An Apology Letter to My Love, Samantha

by R.

Samantha, I'm really sorry. I've made you feel like you weren't good enough and that what you did wasn't good enough--and I didn't show appreciation. I was given a million chances to change the things I did.

You're my first love and you mean everything to me.

You're a colder person now and you don't want any contact with me. You don't believe me anymore when I know that I mean it. It's really rough so far and I can't believe you're gone. I've had so many great memories with you--staying the night with you and being able to cuddle with you.

As many times as I did each time it felt just like the first time. You may not have known, but I smiled every second I was holding you and you didn't know.

Every time you came over. I was frantic on getting my clothes on and looking nice. You've always picked me up when I was down. You have the biggest heart I've ever seen before. Your heart is turning cold. And I don't know what to do anymore. I've lost it all. Including the best thing I had going for me.

I have so many reminders of you. People say I'm crazy but in my eyes. I'm in love. Think about their first love. How did they act? Maybe they didn't seem mature all the time. But love can do remarkable things to people. I'm telling you. This girl here was one in a million. I could search but I'll never find a love quite like hers.

You're at work right now. Probably hurt and trying to pick yourself up. I feel so horrible and I can't get it together. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. It's not as easy as saying just move on. When you know things can be great it's hard to let go.

I love you to death. I'm sorry that you've doubted it so many times. Once you are gone from me for good maybe somehow something will come your way. And you'll believe again. Might take time but you'll see it.

You cross my mind everyday. One day I might be doing something and think of what you'd say if you saw me doing it...and laugh. The next day I'll be doing something that we did together and cry. It's a mix of emotions that I don't have the energy to press on through.

Before I met you I wasn't living but only existing. You showed me what it was like to live, love and learn. And why would I screw that up? Sometimes I intentionally picked on you. Sometimes I just said the wrong things.

I wish in your heart you would believe how much I love you. And how bad I wish I could show it. You are amazing. You're going to be something special and make amazing accomplishments in your life.

I miss seeing your eyes. Looking back at me. All the times I got to look into them. I thought in my head...God please slow time down so I can get lost in her eyes even more.

I would move heaven or hell for you and anything in between. I love you Samantha. I always will. I'm sorry.