The Perfect Apology e-Book
The Art of the Apology
This is a must-have apology e-book! The first impression one gets when reading "The Art of
the Apology" (by attorney and ethics
expert Lauren Bloom) is that it covers virtually everything there is to know
about the "art" and "ethics" of apologizing.
If you need advice on how to craft the perfect personal or business
apology, reasons why it's so important, or the best strategies for making
sure you get it right, it's all covered here in this 160 page edition...
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Why apologizing is so important |
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What to do before you apologize |
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What to include in the apology |
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What to do after you apologize |
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When to apologize |
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When not to apologize |
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Why timing is so important |
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The legal implications of apologies
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How to accept an apology |
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How to deal with really big mistakes
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How to craft an apology for clients, customers or loved ones |
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How to deliver an apology and why
"approach" is so important |
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How and why to apologize to children or acquaintances
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The twelve most common ways to screw things up |
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Effective strategies at the workplace, and so much more... |
We were so excited by the wealth of fascinating insights offered in this
apology e-book, that we contacted Lauren to ask her a few questions.
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Q |
We at PA are consistently surprised by how difficult it is for most people to craft a decent (let alone 'perfect') apology, despite how important apologies are becoming in so many personal and business settings. Why is this so difficult for so many people, yet so natural for a select few?
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A |
It's difficult for most people to admit
they made a mistake. We all want to believe we’re great people, but
admitting to a mistake is an acknowledgement of our own human
fallibility.
It’s especially hard for people to admit to a mistake if they think
the other person will use that admission against them in the future.
They may fear that the other person won't accept the apology, or
will react with a lot of anger when approached with an apology.
Most people dislike confrontation, so they do nothing and hope
things will blow over with time. Unfortunately, that approach
doesn't restore trust or strengthen relationships, and it can do
real damage if it happens often enough.
People who have made an effective apology and have seen the benefits
realize that apologizing isn't as hard as it seems and is well worth
the effort.
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Q |
Do you think we're getting better at apologizing,
or is there some reason why most people will remain apology
challenged?
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A |
There's no reason for people to be
"apology-challenged" today! Knowing when and how to apologize is an
essential skill that anyone can learn. Resources like my e-book, The
Art of the Apology, and this website are helping people get better
at apologizing all the time.
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Q |
Thinking back on some well known celebrity
apologies, what would you list as the most common mistake? What
single piece of advice (selected from the wealth of advice you offer
in your e-book) would you offer to correct it?
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A |
Celebrity apologies fall flat most often because
they come too late, so they appear to be just damage control, not a
sincere expression of regret. I would tell any celebrity who's made
a mistake to apologize immediately, and not to wait until press
coverage of the mistake forces the celebrity to do it. |
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Q |
The Art of the Apology e-book does a great job of addressing some of
the legal implications of apologies. Is the concern over litigation
overblown? What are your views regarding the revolution in medical
apologies that seems to be transforming conventional wisdom on the
necessity for lawyers in these situations?
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A |
Americans spend billions of dollars every year on
litigation, so I can't entirely dismiss litigation concerns. Until
we find a better way, it's important for anyone who's made a serious
mistake to consider contacting an attorney. Lawyers may counsel
against apologizing at first, but they can also help people
apologize without exposing themselves to unreasonable litigation
risk. My e-book, gives some great examples
of situations where that happened. The revolution in medical
apologies is a terrific trend because it allows doctors to work with
their patients to resolve mistakes without spending a fortune on
litigation. |
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Q |
We spend quite some time on our website dealing
with political apologies. What do you regard as the most common
mistake politicians make, and why are these errors so often
repeated?
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A |
Politicians frequently make the mistake of playing
what I call the "if/any game," as in "if my actions offended
anybody, then I apologize." That kind of apology is rarely
effective, because the politician hasn't actually admitted to the
error and taken responsibility for it. Unfortunately, the stakes in
politics are so high that it can be tough for a career politician to
admit unequivocally to a mistake, which may be why their handlers
tell them not to do it.
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Q |
What are your thoughts on a "non-apology" apology?
Are there any situations (political, legal, or otherwise) where this
is an acceptable or effective response to a situation?
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A |
In my experience, "non-apology" apologies are
rarely, if ever, effective in one-on-one personal relationships,
because they usually don’t do much to resolve bad feelings between
the people involved. They also don't tend to work well when dealing
with clients or customers, because a "non-apology" isn't very
satisfying. However, a "non-apology" can sometimes be a useful tool
in litigation or international diplomatic settings where two sides
are trying formally to resolve a dispute. If one side demands an
apology while the other side refuses to admit to error, but both
sides want to resolve the controversy, a "non-apology" can let both
sides save face.
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Q |
The section in the e-book dealing with apologizing
to your kids is excellent. One of your recommendations is to
always apologize to your kids whenever mistakes are made. Do you
regard this as an essential social skill parents should be teaching
their kids?
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A |
Absolutely! Kids learn by example from their
parents, so if they see us apologize for the mistakes that we make,
they'll learn how to do it themselves. Unfortunately, we don't
always do a good job of teaching our kids how to apologize
effectively. Telling a child to "go on, say you're sorry" without
explaining why the apology is important or talking about what the
child should say in addition to that reluctant "I'm sorry" teaches
kids that apologies are just a formality that don't matter much.
Apologizing is a fundamental social skill that can really help kids
succeed in life, so it's important for parents to take the time to
teach their children how to do it well. |
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Q |
Thinking about effective customer relations
practiced by most successful companies today, is a proactive
approach to customer retention through timely apologies (for poor or
mediocre service) becoming more important over time?
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A |
Unquestionably. Consumers have a wider range of
choices today than ever before, and if they receive poor or even
mediocre service without also receiving an apology, they'll take
their business elsewhere. Unfortunately, many businesses don't
apologize well to their customers. Too often, we hear things like
"we regret any inconvenience," even when the business knows that its
customers have been seriously inconvenienced and are deeply unhappy.
That may work for a while, especially with a business that makes its
money on volume or provides an essential service, but over time it's
bound to erode consumer confidence and damage the business'
credibility. |
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Q |
Perfect Apology receives visitors from all over the
world. What are your thoughts on some of the more obvious cultural
difference regarding the art of apologizing? In other words, would
your recommendations be that different in another setting?
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A |
To be effective, an apology has to be appropriate
to its cultural setting. I think the elements of an effective
apology are essentially the same everywhere, but the nuance of how
to deliver that apology may be very different from country to
country. For example, in some countries it may be almost unheard of
for a boss to admit a mistake to an employee, so even a quiet "I'm
sorry" might be a real concession. As another example, Americans
tend to be pretty informal, and usually prefer to receive their
apologies in person. In countries where people are more formal, a
note of apology might be a better way to go. |
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Q |
In terms of the frequency, practice or success rate
of apologies, are there any significant differences across genders?
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A |
Without having done any statistical research on
this, I suspect that women apologize more frequently than men, and
they may be a little better at it. Apologizing is an important but
"soft" social skill, and women often excel in those areas. It may
also be a little more difficult for men to admit to error,
especially if they've been raised not to do so. As our society
evolves, I suspect that any differences between men and women when
it comes to apologizing will likely disappear. |
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Q |
There seems to be a growing number of formal
apologies for past wrongs issued by various heads of governments
(e.g., Australian aboriginals; Canadian natives; American
minorities). Why is this happening now?
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A |
All of the
governmental apologies that have issued recently for past wrongs are
long overdue, and I'm delighted to see them. It may be that South
Africa's groundbreaking work to resolve the pain caused by the
institutionalized racism of apartheid inspired some of the later
apologies. Certainly, each time a head of government apologizes for
a past wrong, it demonstrates that such apologies can be delivered
without creating a firestorm of new problems, and it puts social
pressure on other governments to follow suit. If this is a trend, I
hope it continues. |
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Q |
Assuming you practice what you preach, did you
acquire the skill in your childhood, personal life or business
career? Are some people more inclined to be better apologizers?
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A |
My parents worked hard to teach me how to apologize
effectively as a child, so they established a good foundation, then my
twenty-plus years working as an attorney reinforced what they taught me. I've
seen many situations where an effective apology resolved a conflict, and just as
many situations where an apology delayed or denied did lasting damage. I don't
always get it right – nobody does – but my professional and personal experiences
have certainly helped.
Yes, I think some people are better natural "apologizers" than
others, the same way some people are better dancers, singers or
mathematicians. At the same time, I also think that
apologizing is a learned skill, and that anyone can learn to
apologize more effectively. This apology e-book was designed to help people do just that.
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Q |
Your e-book is packed with such excellent
pearls-of-wisdom to help readers work through so many different
aspects of apologizing. It doesn't appear as though anything was
left out. Is this true? Is there any aspect of the apology not
addressed in the book?
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A |
I liken The Art of the Apology e-book to the
classic etiquette book by Amy Vanderbilt. It's the only apology
guidebook you'll ever need for apology advice related to your
personal life, business, or career. While the e-book addresses the
vast majority of situations, it doesn't address apologies between
countries, and it probably could be more specific about
international apologies. I'll save those for a future edition. |
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Want to know more? Listen to Lauren on Radio New
Zealand. |
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The Perfect Apology team remains committed to providing the best advice
we can to our visitors and, to that end, we are excited to endorse
The Art
of the Apology e-book, the most comprehensive treatment of the subject to-date.
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