Sonya... I know no amount words could express how truly sorry I am and how much regret I feel. I do not know how I could have been so foolish and for so long. I was blind and let my ego and pride get the best of me. As your husband and your friend, I am supposed to be there for you, support you and have your back. You should have been able to depend on me, go to me with your fears and frustrations and count on me. For so long you told me what you needed and I was blinded by my own needs and selfishness to listen.
I would tell myself that I was there for you, and that I gave a lot; however, I was too blind to see that you did not feel loved by me. I would try to justify this with countless of excuses and reasons and blame you. This led resentment and bitterness. Somewhere along the line, I forgot and am so sorry that it has taken me so long realize that if you do not feel loved by me or feel that I am there for you – than it's on me to show you that I do.
You are such a positive person and I hate how often I would come home frustrated, annoyed, unhappy and ruin the energy of our home; changing what was our peaceful and happy abode to a place full of tension and frustrations.
I was mad at myself, letting my own insecurities get the best of me. I closed myself off from the outside world and from you. I demanded your attention when I should have been giving you mine. I argued and became defensive when I should have listened and tried to understand how you felt and what you needed. Instead, I acted like a child standing in the middle of a room with my eyes closed and hands over my ears screaming. You deserved better, you deserved more and I know now how often I let you down.
I should have seen and notice that you would go to me less and less with your problems and who could blame you. When you did I would spend more time trying to find a solution than pay attention and listen to you. I would try to think through the problem instead of connect with you emotionally and be there for you.
I am sorry that it has taken me this long to realize that what you needed from me was not a problem solver but someone there who would listen, be there for you and provide support.
I love you. I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to see how much I have hurt you and how little I ever showed my appreciation for not only what you gave towards the relationship and me but for you are as a person.
I love how outgoing, fun loving, positive and creative you are. I love how eyes light up when you smile, how giving you are and how you would always try to push and motivate me to succeed. I love that we enjoy the same hobbies such as kayaking, hiking and wanting the same things out of life. The truth is, I have learned so much from you and have rarely ever acknowledged it. I took you for granted and I hope that it is not too late.
I am sorry for each and every time I let you down, for each and every time that I did not have your back nor provided the support I should have. I know I should have stood by you and defended you against my dad when he treated you horribly but instead I tried to be the mediator and placate the situation. I am sorry that I did not have your back when it came time to let him know that he could no longer live with us because of his medical condition. I did not see him as a threat and blinded by my fears regarding financial stability at that time, I didn’t even consider your perception.
I know I did this far more often than I should have and let you down over and over again. I hate that it has taken me this long to even realize how horribly I have treated you over the years.
I hope that you will forgive me for how horrible I have been and know that I am changing myself for the better. I see how horrible I have been to you over the years and am appalled by my actions.
I hope you will give me the chance to show you I love you and am there for you. I hope you will give me a chance to start a new love story with you. Although I know I don’t deserve it after how often I have hurt you and that you have no reason to believe me, but I am dedicated to making things right between us, to treat you like the beautiful and wonderful person you are, to support you and be someone you can lean on.
I am sorry Sonya and I love you. I hope that you will give me one last chance to show you that I can change.