As If A Death Has Occured
by Donna Christine
(Butler New Jersey )
Through out the years of course there have been trials and tribulations. We have each had to learn about one another, learn about ourselves, and also individually grow.
Through out the years we have both made minor and also some major mistakes. Through out the years we have both made promises that we have also broken.
Through out the years we have been able to not only appreciate each other more, but also take advantage of the other more, forget about the little things at times, and also treat one another poorly.
We talk about love....what exactly is love....Throughout my years it has meant many different things, but through out my most recent years it has meant a peace, it has meant a happiness, it has been a place that I truly did not know had existed.
Of course I know love. I know loving a parent and certainly the love of a child, but in a partner...I have never known there was a love like this that existed.
I hadn't known, because in my past relationships this type of love never existed. This love did not exist with the father of my children. Sure I thought I knew what that love was, but in no way did I have a clue.
I certainly learned from my past. Took every fight, took every hair of bitterness on my body, took every obstacle, took every hurt, and took every bad and rough time and thought them over.
Pondered the what ifs.... thought of how I could do it differently. Thought of how I could have done it better. Thought and thought and thought to probably what has been to my detriment at this stage of my life.
I try to be an observer. I try to hold things in. I try to be the strength that I needed all those years ago. There comes a time when strength runs out. There comes a time when you've thought too much. There comes a time when you have to just let life happen. There comes a time when you have to admit you are not as strong as you may want to be and simply bow down to your successor and say I need the help and I need the strength I never wanted to admit I needed.
Well I've succumbed to my weakness, I've succumbed to my lack of strength, I've succumbed to my bitterness.
I look at my weakened body in the mirror every day and wonder how have I spoiled such a wonderful love I now believe I am worthy of. How have I again mistreated, broken a promise, and disrespected the man that has shown me what love is? How can a person hurt the love of their life so badly?
How is it possible that again the man who has shown me so much, loved me so hard, and trusted in me, been treated in a way that I had promised I would never do? How does someone who has thought out her every fiber of being and thought out her every move of life and thought out her every next move of life repeat the mistake that would absolutely make her lose her love?
We are not talking about cheating. We are not talking about lying. We are not talking about fighting over stupid petty things. We are talking about respect. We are talking about a home. We are talking about taking someones pride and feeling of a home away. We are talking about making your love feel unloved, disrespected, homeless, and simply tired of the crap.
All of this to a man who values very highly respect and love. He gives respect to those who deserve. He gives his love to very few but when he gives his love, he gives it hard.
I can blame my actions on current circumstances, but the truth is I still have to take ownership. I have to own what I have done, and I have to own that it is not he who has broken this soul, but myself.
Because of my own actions I have broken a home. I have broken my heart. I have broken my home. I have broken our home. Apologize? Of course I have, has he accepted it? Of course he has not.
If I've learned anything I've learned about actions speaking louder then words. Well I've probably run out of forgiveness, I've probably apologized one too many times, I've probably finally and forever lost the love that I had only hoped to hold onto and cherish for the rest of my being.
I can only hope and I can only pray that this man of strength and dignity will find it in his heart to have enough love to do the same. To overcome a heartbreak and to love again the woman who is maimed for life.
Because this heart is at a standstill. This heart belongs to him. This heart will never move forward. This heart will always belong to him.
I love you Rolando. I love you, I need you, and I am weakened without you. I will write you everyday and proclaim my stupidity. I will write you everyday and proclaim my mistakes. I will write you everyday and proclaim my love. If I could have air to breath or just one more time of you holding me, I choose you holding me. I love you more than life itself.