I'm sorry for not being myself.

by Nic
(Del Mar, CA, USA)

It's funny how the two of us get along so well and have swapped so many traditional roles. I'm sorry to say that "regularly" being a total jerk and getting angry over something petty and insignificant that I know is insignificant is not me. I'm not myself all the time you see.

The me I am never wants to make you mad, doesn't feel insulted or slighted by off-handed things, and is considerate and balanced when thinking about you: what to say to you, how to act towards you, listening to you, caring for you, and all the wonderful and exciting things we do together.

It's that other sun'a'bich, Frank we'll call him, that I turn into who sticks his stupid ass into our conversation, normally when I'm hungry and or tired.

Now that guy's a prick: pompous, arrogant, sensitive and defensive, and I'm pretty sure deft but boy will he latch on to something with that constantly open mouth of his and never let it go, even when it's over (because of that damned deftness!).

I hate that guy, he does all that while little ol' me in my head is pushed aside like an old lady on Black Friday.

Then of course, I eat something, I sit down and relax a little bit, and that guy jumps in his hick ass truck and is so far away, I forget all about him. But what I do remember, and feel, is the hit in the balls I gave myself while he was here. This is nothing compared to how that other me must make you feel, and that just pushes the nuts up further!

I try and think of how that other me got in my head and it just baffles me. You didn't do or say anything to invite him in, it's like he just pops in and whatever you said last, yup, that's what he's going to take issue with.

So I hope you'll forgive me and that we can work out a way to see if Frank's coming and lock the damn door and hide quietly in the fridge, under the bed sheets, or on the couch until he goes away. Would you help me keep a look out for Frank so I can treat you with empathy, respect, and kindness, how you should be treated, and I hope like I am when I am myself.

*sad puppy face*
-Nic

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