Life is like a Roller Coaster

by Tim
(Houston TX)

I know you will probably never see this message Kim. I tried to send it to your e-mail address tonight but it's no longer active. I wanted to reach out to my friend tonight and make you feel better. I wanted you to know I forgive you and I hope that maybe someday you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

Hi Kim,

I've been really worried about writing. I know you’ve asked me not to. I will always respect your wishes. But for my sanity please let me apologize without my emotions doing all the talking this time. The sadness and guilt is too much and I have to let it go. I don't think I can unless I sincerely apologize to you.

I wanted to say I'm sorry for causing you trouble, to have offended you or to have made you uncomfortable. I really have been a selfish creep.

You're just too nice to tell me and I've felt so bad about that. I've had time to think about things and I've felt ashamed, guilt, and embarrassment for what I've said in the last month I was writing.

And please don't take my writing this as a way for me to get you to write me back. I'm writing out of compassion and forgiveness. I enjoy our conversations and value your friendship too much to have written such emotional gibberish the last time because I was a mess.

I was in shock and felt like I had to respond with something as fast as I could before you were gone. I was hurt, and confused.

I didn't understand what was happening. I'm sorry about that; I wish I could have said something differently. I tried to recall my last my e-mail before you could read it but it didn't work.

I was so ashamed and embarrassed for all the things I had said. My mind wasn't right at the time. I just couldn't seem to get control of my emotions. I made it worse by writing again. I wasn't even making sense at that point, I knew I had to stop and promised I would. It seems when we're fighting with our emotions they win every time.

I was going through the sudden loss of a very good friend and it takes some time to come to terms with that so please forgive me if I said anything to upset you.

I kept questioning myself, what could I have done differently? If I would have just said this or done that things would be different. Where did I go wrong and why did I become such a creep? What’s wrong with me? I'm not like this. You start to question your worth and ask, If you're a bad person.

I was struggling everyday.I even cried. It was hard because I had no one to talk to about my feelings. I had to stay quiet and pretend I was fine. I would be smiling on the outside but inside I'm in so much pain trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Please don't get mad at me on this next part ok. Trust me it's not what you think. It's a good thing I promise. I have to blame you now and say it's your fault. I'm so mad at you I can't stand it. Well I won't do that. Absolutely not! It doesn't make sense.

How could I? There are two sides to every story. It's not fair to blame someone for something when we're looking at only our perspective. It's selfish and unfair. I would just be thinking of me and how I felt. I'm only thinking of how it affects me and my feelings. I'm not going to do that. There are reasons people do things it doesn't mean it's personal.

But, I do have some blame for you, lots of it.

I will blame you for being a great friend. I blame you for being there for me when I was struggling and feeling unsure of myself. For picking me up when I was down. For giving me strength when I felt vulnerable.

I blame you for helping me get into the best shape of my life; I blame you for spending so much of your time reading and sharing my silly messages. I blame you for bringing me a smile and brightening my day. For making me laugh, I blame you for making my life better than it was and for making me a better person.

So you see Kim I do blame you! I blame you for being a person I've been blessed to know, for sharing your beautiful spirit and kind heart! How could I ever be upset? How could anyone ever blame someone that has been so generous and has given so much good to them? I can't repay that. There are not enough gift cards in the world for me to do that.

I'm almost done my friend, one more ok. I was going to lunch the other day, and it was such a nice day. It was a warm sunny day with the perfect little breeze. We have a really nice building and they have all these pretty flowers by the main entrance and all along the side walk.

Please don't tell anyone I like our flowers at work. I don't think it would go over very well. You know it's not that bad. Sometimes it's good to stop and look at the little things around you and be grateful for them.

Most people walk by those flowers every day and never even notice. You have to stop and take a deep breath and smell those flowers sometimes.

You'd be surprised how it lifts your spirits! I guess it's like me losing it ( uh… almost losing it that is) when I saw Peter'L.s pictures in Vegas.

Ok I'm ruining the nice day story with my rambling. So here I am walking out side and it's a perfect day Kim. I remember smelling the flowers feeling the warm sun on my face and the cool breeze in my hair and I smiled. I couldn't believe it!

It had been a long time since I had a real smile on my face. Then it hit me, I have to let go. The pain is too much. I've been sad for too long. I actually yelled out!! "COME ON!" Yeah I wish I could have said something better than that! Pretty weak…..but I did follow it with a pretty bad ass AHHHHH!!!

Yeah, I got a few looks that's for sure. But it was seriously just a spontaneous thing and I felt so much better afterwards. I realized I just wanted to scream and let go of these bad feelings and guilt.

It's just too painful to carry that with you, you just have to let those bad feelings go.

I can't know how you feel but I wanted to tell you that I feel only friendship and compassion for you Kim. I'm sure you know that but I had to make sure. I don't have any bad feelings about you and would never have a bad word to say about you.

You are a good person, incapable of intentionally hurting anyone, and you will always be my friend.

I have only good thoughts, and memories, there is no pain. So please...If you feel bad in any way... don't. Please don't carry guilt in your heart. You have to do what's best for you.

Sometimes people may not understand that right away and they may be hurt but you have to do what makes you happy, and if they are really your friend and they care about you, they'll understand that. I know I do.

I wanted to leave you with one more quote.

"Good Friends are hard to find, harder to leave and impossible to forget.."

I will miss you my friend but never forget you.

Tim <3

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