Sorry From Your Undeserving Husband

by Mason

I can’t remember the last time I wrote you a true love letter, from the heart that flowed easily. It seemed so easy at first, but it seemed to get harder as time progressed because I started to put myself before you, us, and our family. I can’t say I did it consciously, because I am not certain when things just started to unravel, and go in the wrong direction.

I have defiled us, and along with it your trust, faith and the vows we said to one another slightly less than 10 years ago on the best night of my life, the night we got married. I realize the anger, resentment and aNguish I see in your face and eyes, and lack of passion and caring I hear in your voice is because of me, and that tears at my heart. Just like the anguish you felt when I was taken away this weekend, that feeling you had to want to protect me, help me, and make sure I was okay, is how I feel about us.

I have made so many mistakes, bad decisions and acted in ways that have made you feel used and uncared for, that you are right to feel how you do right now. I have to respect that while I still love you, and the idea of us, that there is no us right now, and that you are not there. I have to respect what you need and want, to show you that I care about you, respect you, and your wishes.

As I have said a lot recently, you are right the vast majority of the time, and I am not saying that to placate you, but because it is the truest thing I have ever said. Tonight you said something to me that I will do from now on, take it one step and day at a time. I will stop running, and trying to get to the X without taking the steps necessary to get there, be it a shortcut or band aid.

I failed to listen to you when you needed me to, and I just kept hiding because it was easier to do that than actually stand up and fight for my soul. I failed to show you the love you so richly deserved, and provide the stability (financially and emotionally) you warranted. I made rash decisions without consulting you, and you have every right to throw them in my face every day, from now until the end of our lives, be it together or apart from one another, and I will never, ever, roll my eyes at you again for doing so.

I don't know where or when I started to lose it. I don't know what triggered it, but it's my fault, and no one else's. I don't know what the future holds for us, but that's okay. I am going to work on me, take this one day at a time, and commit to doing this, for myself and my children. I won't ask you for anything, even your forgiveness. I won't ask you to stop hating, being angry or resentful to me, or anything else of you.

I want, for the first time in a very long time to show you that I will respect your wishes, and what you want. Hopefully that is not too late for us, but if it is, then I will have to bear that cross. Even if this ends, there is still a life after this, and I have to be able to live it, with or without you.

Ultimately, I know you want me to be healthy and happy, and I know that it pains you to think that might happen outside of us, just as much as it does me. I know the idea of divorce is not something you want, either, because you wouldn't still be talking to me if it were the case, and you wouldn't have dealt with this for so long in spite of what you've said.

The reality is that I love you, and will always love you. I see now that the only way for me to show you that my words, million and one apologies over time, and love for you are earnest, sincere, and committed, is by fixing me, respecting your wish to get myself better, giving you your space, and waiting for you to be ready to speak with me when you are ready to, regardless of the outcome. I know that until things are decided you won't cheat on me, I have to stop allowing my insecurities to get the best of me, and have to simply learn to trust that you have through all of this always been faithful to me, and will be.

I am letting go of the past, but I won't ask you to. I won't forget it, that's not what I am doing, but I need to let go of it, so I can start to heal and move forward. I can't continue living there, it's making me insane. I need to let go of what we used to be like, and stop trying to recapture that, and realize that if we are to ever have a chance, it has to start here, and now, going forward as you have said so many times. As I have come to say more and more, you are right, yet again.

In the beginning saying something like this last paragraph was easy, because I could put myself in your shoes, and see things from your side. Even if I lose you, I want to show you that I love you, and respect you, now and forever. You deserve that more than anything in the world. I will be the best father in the world, and show you that our girls will have a stable father, and one that will dote on them and treat them like the princesses that they are.

I hope that someday you will be able to forgive me, but I won't ever ask you for it. I don't deserve to. I won't ask you to trust me, I don't deserve that, either. I cried this past weekend when you said you know I'm not a bad person, despite everything I have done, because I can't imagine the strength it takes to say that. I can't thank you enough for believing that I am not a bad person. I don't know how to express how much that means to me.

Thank you for everything you have done for us, me and this family. Every good thing I have in my life is because of you, especially the two beautiful girls that we share, and will share as ours for the rest of our lives. I won't ask you for anything Jaime, because I simply don't deserve it. Even if we end up apart, I will strive to earn your trust, respect and friendship back until the very end of my days, one day at a time.

Je t’aime.

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