To Jessica...I'm Sorry

There's been so many times that I've wanted to say this to you, even in person, but I haven't had the guts to know how yet, so I'm going to start here, in case I never get the chance to speak with you again. I know its been months since we talked last and by now you probably don't think much of me or don't want a thing to do with me at all, but I should have said this awhile ago and I've been needing to get this off my chest for too long.

I don't mean to be weird or over the top about this, I just have a lot I need to say since I haven't been open with you yet.

What I'm trying to say is I'm really sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to talk to you when I should have been, I'm sorry I left you alone for so long, and I'm sorry I wasn't able enough to tell you straight forward how I felt when I had the chance. But most of all, I'm sorry I couldn't make more of an effort to let you know I cared more than I've shown you.

You actually meant a lot more to me than I was able to openly express and although it may be too late to prove it to you now, I still feel the same way.

I'm not sure if you'll ever come across this note, but if I ever made you feel ignored or unimportant, I want to tell you that was never my intention at all and that I'm sorry for coming off so passive aggressive. The truth is that I doubted myself.

You have no idea how bad I really wanted you to be with me, but at the same time, I just wasn't ready yet when I first came back this year. In my state of mind, I was so uncertain of myself, I felt like I couldn't hold together a relationship and I wasn't sure If you actually wanted a relationship with me either.

I hadn't heard from you for so long that I wasn't sure you still wanted me as much as I wanted you anymore, but instead of trying to be the one to take initiative and work everything out I anticipated that you would at least show me you cared first and I was stupid and selfish for ever thinking like that because I should have put you first. I should have made you my priority, but by the time I realized I was a complete idiot and wanted to say something, you moved on and forgot about me.

I can't blame you though. You never did anything wrong. I never meant to hurt you in any way, I just wanted you to want to talk to me. I'm not perfect, I'm quiet and shy as hell, I screw almost everything up, and I still make a lot of mistakes, but I am trying to change.

I don't how to explain this to you, but I had a lot of issues that I didn't know how to deal with when I first came back and I got so caught up with my own personal problems I didn't realize how you may have been feeling and I'm sorry for that.

I never stopped liking you, in fact, I think about you more than I should and it's killing me because I know you don't feel the same anymore, but I can't blame you for wanting to be happy, even if it's not with me. It's my fault things turned out the way they did between us and I regret not being able to turn that around. To be honest though, I think that if things were different, I would have been perfect for you and if there was any chance that I could fix what went on with us I would take it.

I'm not going to bother you if you don't want me around in your life at all, but I hate that we don't talk anymore like we used to, I hate that I didn't get the time I wanted to spend with you and I hate myself for letting you down. Hopefully before the year ends we can at least start being friends again, but just for the record, when I said I missed you, I actually meant that.