Several months ago I was asked in an email by a now former friend not to contact her again. What prompted her email was what I realize in hindsight was a far too intense and verbose letter.
Although my therapist who read the letter before I sent it called it "beautiful" and encouraged me to send it, the letter was not well received.
It had been an attempt to express my confusion over the direction our friendship had been going over the last several months as this not long-term, but once very close friend appeared to become more and more distant to the point of not having any time to see me in person or talk on the phone.
She leads a very busy life, as do I, but I couldn't understand why someone who once said such wonderful things about our friendship had not been able to find time for me in nearly a year, despite living about 10 minutes away.
I trusted her completely and had opened up to her in ways I had never opened up to another friend. I even admitted having developed feelings for her, which I have come to regret, though at the time she said she was glad I trusted her enough to admit this.
I feel like my admission (which was given out of a desire to be totally honest, not because I thought we could be more than friends, which I realized was not an option), along with my fear of losing her friendship, drove her away.
In her last email to me, my former friend accused me of being selfish and being a terrible friend who projected all of my issues onto her. She said it wasn't like we were long-term friends and she cut me off. But even in the relatively short time we were friends, the friendship was extremely meaningful to me and I miss her terribly.
Just over a week ago, 8 months after my ex-friend's final email to me, I emailed her what I regarded to be a sincere apology.
I apologized for driving her away because of my own insecurities, for writing things about my assumptions/fears that came across as accusations, and for not telling her more often what I valued about our friendship.
I assured her that I never intended to hurt her and was sorry for asking of her more than she could give. I did not ask anything of her, only apologize and state that I hoped one day she could forgive me.
Although to her credit I did not ask for a response in my apology, I would have hoped that had my former friend cared at all about me she might have acknowledged my apology. It is so painful to care so much for someone, only to realize that this person wants nothing to do with you and would choose to disregard a heartfelt apology rather than either consider reconciliation or at least acknowledge your existence and attempt to reconnect.
I feel abandoned and unwanted and would welcome any kind thoughts about my situation.
To me a friend you care about as much as I care about my now former friend is worth fighting for, but since my effort at a sincere apology fell on deaf ears, I don't know where to go from here.
Clearly any further attempt at reconciliation on my part at this time would be unwise, but should I lose hope entirely or consider trying to reach out again at some point in the future?
I would welcome any kind responses from this website of people who understand the importance of apology and forgiveness.
Thank you in advance for anyone who is willing to offer their thoughts on this situation. I just can't believe things got to the point that they did and while I have forgiven my former friend in my heart for our falling out and her apparent disinterest in reconciliation, I fear I may never be able to forgive myself.