To My Love (after our biggest fight ever)

by Erin
(Hinesburg, Vermont)

Chris... These words can't undo the dry heaves & long night lying awake & the tears, dry mouth, shaking hands, and queasy stomach that you had to endure after our big fight last night. They can't take back the unkind words I said or the manner in which I said them. They can't erase the tears I cried or the times we hung up on each other.

I didn't know how much I hurt you until I talked with your mother tonight - so that I could apologize to her.

It broke my heart to hear from her how much our argument hurt you. Please please forgive me for hurting you. Some of it was intentional, as I felt entitled to be upset & angry. But some of it was unintentional, as we didn't see eye to eye.

I love you so much. When I think of you hurting, and when I hear you sniffling or crying, it breaks my heart. I can't stand arguing with you.

Being able to talk things out more clearly today & understand where each other was coming from - it meant a lot to me. Thank you for being understanding & kind, even in the midst of the stress of our disagreement.

Just because I am writing this apology does not mean I take full responsibility for the fight. We each, 50/50 contributed, due to our completely differing opinions. What I am apologizing for is my inconsideration for your feelings, for my unkind words, and for the way I lost my temper & treated you badly with my sour attitude.

I promise to work through my emotional issues, clean up the bitterness & scars left by my past, and work hard to be better for you. I promise to lovingly treat you with respect & equality. And I promise to take things with a grain of salt - and not to blow things out of proportion.

It would mean the world to me if you would forgive me, and keep loving me despite this argument. I know you still love me, and yet when I think about how rude I was, I am afraid you will stop loving me because of it.

You know, we're still new at this...It's been a year-ish, but we are still uncovering new sensitivities in each other & new insecurities - and new areas we're each stubborn about. Let's remember that we are a team & that we should "have each other's back".

Please know I love you more than anything in the world. And that means I love you more than missing you while you're at deer camp this weekend. I love you more than my own loneliness & stuff. I love you more than my own selfishness, than my own pride, and more than my own insecurities (you can't be my security blanket).

I have written so much... But I can't express to you enough how a) sorry I am and b) how much I love you.

njhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (Lola just stepped on the keyboard)

I could go on all night writing how much I love you and regret our argument. I can't wait to see you tomorrow night and hug you, sweet man.

I am yours.

Love, Erin