To my old friend, my hubby, & my ex's that I never forgave.
by Rdt (Anonymous)
My old h.s. friend: I apologize for "hounding" you with my problems this week. Seeing you & talking to you again after 25yrs has been very weird... and in my heart very wrong. I feel guilty. I know you said that chatting as friends should be no big deal. But, you meant more than that to me oh so many yrs ago. When I think about you, I remember the safe, secure feeling I always had with you.
Thinking about high school has made me rethink a lot of my choices in life. The more I sent notes to you , the more I realized I had blocked memories from my h.s. years. It was after you, that my h.s. years got so messed up.
You were always a good guy and respected God and yourself and me too much to cross the line. I thank you for that. But I am sorry I sent all those messages. I'm sorry I was being selfish, because I needed the therapy.
I am sorry that I will have to stop the messaging flat out. Cold turkey is the only way I will be able to live with myself. I know it is wrong to go behind my husbands back to talk to an old friend. I know he shouldn't be so jealous, but he always has been and I still chose to marry him.
My apology to my hubby: I love you, I really do.. I apologize for chatting with an old high school friend behind your back. I know if you knew about it, you would have a royal cow. You would not understand how unhappy I am right now. How insecure I am. I want to feel sweet & young & pretty again. I will never be young or pretty again, but I used to be a sweet innocent girl once. I want to feel that sweet niceness again.
I'm sorry I tried to capture a feeling from simpler days. I have not been fair to you with not sharing these problems & feelings with you, instead of an old high school friend. But, as you know, so many of our problems are financial.
The fact that you do not give any of your paycheck to help the household bills has been a very sore spot for me. The fact that you take my good jewelry & pawn it off... Is a very sore spot. It's not so much the jewelry. I'm not much of a material girl. It's the feeling that you stole from me.
Yes, you've given me lots of those as gifts over the years.. Yes, you bought my car. But, My old car.. you sold out from under me, without even asking me. My jewelry that I had before we were married, before we were together.. you had no right to pawn those.
Do I go and take your motorcycle down to the pawn shop, just so that I can pay your cell phone bill? just so I can pay your charge card? And what irks me soooo much,is that you make MORE money than I do.
But.. who buys all the groceries? Who pays all the mortgage & utilities? I am sorry & apologize to you about how bitter I am about it all.
I am sorry that I second guess whether I made a good choice in a husband. I do love you. I really do. I do not want to hurt you. I do not like going behind your back. I feel guilty for chatting to an old friend that is male. I feel guilty for having feelings that I don't want to be married anymore. I know it is all driven from finances & not stemmed from not loving you anymore.
To my ex b/f my jr year of h.s. (Not the friend from first paragraph.) I am sorry that I still hate you. I had all those feelings dead & buried.
With getting in touch with btr again last month.. a lot of h.s. memories have surfaced. I remember that I used to be very special to you. At least I thought I was at one point.
But I went back through my scrapbook and saw what you did to me. When you broke up with me/ dumped me ... literally not even 10 mins after we had sex... It hurt me more that I ever realized.
At that point, I knew sex was not something cherished by you.. was not something special. So, I threw myself away. After you, the next 3 years.. I devalued sex to a point that I didn't care who I had it with. I devalued myself & let myself get used by anyone. I didn't care. Not until I had dated another guy that had high values.
When he didn't want to have sex with me, I realized how ashamed I was of myself. I don't think I have ever forgiven you for dumping me 10 mins after I made love to you.
I apologize, because I know that is my fault that I never forgave myself either. I never forgave myself for throwing away my virginity to you.
I know that was wrong to throw the blame for all that hurt on to you. I could not deal with all that pain then, and I placed it elsewhere.
As it says in a poem that I fell inlove with in my college years.... I will hate you forever, but I will love you always in the box where I keep scraps of paper that no one else sees the reason to keep.
Here is the last paragraph of that poem:
"I will never be able to love anybody the way that I love you. I can't talk to you. You were my praise and my confidence and my special fantasy and my friend. I can't ever forgive you. I can't even try. I will hate you for the rest of my life, but I will love you forever in the little drawer in a filing cabinet where I have little scraps of paper no one else sees the reason to keep" by JA Cohn.
So long, maybe I will feel better now.
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