To my old friend, my hubby, & my ex's that I never forgave.

by Rdt (Anonymous)

My old h.s. friend: I apologize for "hounding" you with my problems this week. Seeing you & talking to you again after 25yrs has been very weird... and in my heart very wrong. I feel guilty. I know you said that chatting as friends should be no big deal. But, you meant more than that to me oh so many yrs ago. When I think about you, I remember the safe, secure feeling I always had with you.

Thinking about high school has made me rethink a lot of my choices in life. The more I sent notes to you , the more I realized I had blocked memories from my h.s. years. It was after you, that my h.s. years got so messed up.

You were always a good guy and respected God and yourself and me too much to cross the line. I thank you for that. But I am sorry I sent all those messages. I'm sorry I was being selfish, because I needed the therapy.

I am sorry that I will have to stop the messaging flat out. Cold turkey is the only way I will be able to live with myself. I know it is wrong to go behind my husbands back to talk to an old friend. I know he shouldn't be so jealous, but he always has been and I still chose to marry him.

My apology to my hubby: I love you, I really do.. I apologize for chatting with an old high school friend behind your back. I know if you knew about it, you would have a royal cow. You would not understand how unhappy I am right now. How insecure I am. I want to feel sweet & young & pretty again. I will never be young or pretty again, but I used to be a sweet innocent girl once. I want to feel that sweet niceness again.

I'm sorry I tried to capture a feeling from simpler days. I have not been fair to you with not sharing these problems & feelings with you, instead of an old high school friend. But, as you know, so many of our problems are financial.

The fact that you do not give any of your paycheck to help the household bills has been a very sore spot for me. The fact that you take my good jewelry & pawn it off... Is a very sore spot. It's not so much the jewelry. I'm not much of a material girl. It's the feeling that you stole from me.

Yes, you've given me lots of those as gifts over the years.. Yes, you bought my car. But, My old car.. you sold out from under me, without even asking me. My jewelry that I had before we were married, before we were together.. you had no right to pawn those.

Do I go and take your motorcycle down to the pawn shop, just so that I can pay your cell phone bill? just so I can pay your charge card? And what irks me soooo much,is that you make MORE money than I do.

But.. who buys all the groceries? Who pays all the mortgage & utilities? I am sorry & apologize to you about how bitter I am about it all.

I am sorry that I second guess whether I made a good choice in a husband. I do love you. I really do. I do not want to hurt you. I do not like going behind your back. I feel guilty for chatting to an old friend that is male. I feel guilty for having feelings that I don't want to be married anymore. I know it is all driven from finances & not stemmed from not loving you anymore.

To my ex b/f my jr year of h.s. (Not the friend from first paragraph.) I am sorry that I still hate you. I had all those feelings dead & buried.

With getting in touch with btr again last month.. a lot of h.s. memories have surfaced. I remember that I used to be very special to you. At least I thought I was at one point.

But I went back through my scrapbook and saw what you did to me. When you broke up with me/ dumped me ... literally not even 10 mins after we had sex... It hurt me more that I ever realized.

At that point, I knew sex was not something cherished by you.. was not something special. So, I threw myself away. After you, the next 3 years.. I devalued sex to a point that I didn't care who I had it with. I devalued myself & let myself get used by anyone. I didn't care. Not until I had dated another guy that had high values.

When he didn't want to have sex with me, I realized how ashamed I was of myself. I don't think I have ever forgiven you for dumping me 10 mins after I made love to you.

I apologize, because I know that is my fault that I never forgave myself either. I never forgave myself for throwing away my virginity to you.

I know that was wrong to throw the blame for all that hurt on to you. I could not deal with all that pain then, and I placed it elsewhere.

As it says in a poem that I fell inlove with in my college years.... I will hate you forever, but I will love you always in the box where I keep scraps of paper that no one else sees the reason to keep.

Here is the last paragraph of that poem:

"I will never be able to love anybody the way that I love you. I can't talk to you. You were my praise and my confidence and my special fantasy and my friend. I can't ever forgive you. I can't even try. I will hate you for the rest of my life, but I will love you forever in the little drawer in a filing cabinet where I have little scraps of paper no one else sees the reason to keep" by JA Cohn.

So long, maybe I will feel better now.

Comments for To my old friend, my hubby, & my ex's that I never forgave.

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by: Rdt Anonymous

Wow... I don't even know how many years back this all was.

I am still growing and changing, and advancing to get over all of this. I still have that feeling sometimes of wanting to reach out to the old friend, that knew me when I was sweet and young and innocent. Maybe I put you on too high of a pedestal and sort of hero-worshiped you. I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry for bending your ear too much. I still try to find other sources for venting and letting go.

I'm still sorry to hubby,,, I love you, our situation is so much different than back when I wrote all of this. But I still love you . My whole heart is yours hubby... And I wish you would be able to hold my heart and know it is the best/only gift I can give you.

I can't give you the financial protection we need. I can't give you a spouse with an emotional past that is not scarred. I can try to forget all of that old H.S. bs stuff that doesn't matter anymore.

I was young and dumb and naive. Now, I guess I am old, still kind of "dumb" about things, and although no longer naive, I tend to want to stick my head in the sand about responsibility issues. I am sorry.

To my old h.s. friend - Wish I could bend the ear more, but more so I hope you are doing well. Want you to know that despite my bad memory reactions, you really did help me get my head on straight all these years ago. You honestly kept my marriage intact.

Realizing how much I love and need my husband now, I can't express how grateful I am that I still have him. You helped me decide to stay with him, and I am ever ever thankful.

To Move On
by: Anonymous

I did get over it, finally.... (well, maybe not fully)... But anyway it was a exercise of self therapy. It did help me to realize that I had & still have brought on a lot of my self-worth issues onto my self. It's me that has to forgive me.

While I realize that just "getting dumped" 10 mins after making love to someone, might not be all that big of a thing to you... In my young mind, what was going thru me at the time, it was a big deal. And I had reacted very badly and treated myself badly. I look back on that apology letter I wrote... I'm guessing about 5 years back now... I realize I still have a lot of growing to do.

Yes, thank you for pointing out that I need to forgive and move on.

Reply back
by: Rdt

Thank you. I think I did.
It was good therapy for me.

I just came across this again years later. I guess a lot of it still holds true.

I still love my hubby. I still have to deal with having to forgive myself for selfish burdens of mis-trust with finances...

But I've realized, It's not that "first loves" fault. I've grown and changed. But still I would not be who I am today without those experiences. I hope my husband loves me for who I am. The whole of me.

Move on...
by: Anonymous

Seriously lady it's time to get over it. I mean if you get like this over something that happened all those years ago then I can only imagine how you'd feel if it was something more serious.

You need to live in the present and move on. Hopefully this is what your post did for you.

First Loves
by: random guy

This is so sweet and sincere, almost made me cry.
Your first love has a great impact on your life, whether you live happily ever after or it gets screwed up, first love will never be forgotten.

It's funny how our thoughts and impressions of someone evolve over time, things seem clearer and simpler. But that's an imaginary world now, and the key is to enjoy the moment, the NOW!

Best wishes, hope you felt relieved after writing that letter.

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