My Dearest Husband, I wounded you... Permit me still to call you my husband. I think of you always as such.
I am not quite sure where to begin, but wherever I start I would like to preface everything by saying how deeply sorry I am for the way things have gone with our family...with our lives.
Today I stand in a place of revelation--revelation of exactly how significantly I contributed to the demise of our marriage relationship; how my words and actions wounded you, emasculated you, made you feel like less than; the emotional and physical pain I caused you.
The place from which I am writing this letter was not reached in a moment, a month, a few months or even a year.
It's been progressive. I have had help along the way. Some pastoral. Some self-acquired. The latest in my series of revelatory thoughts occurred this week.
It was after watching an 11 minute video clip on YouTube about marriage that everything came to a climax and I realized that I had single-handedly destroyed ours.
I wept bitterly. Bitterly.
How could I have acted in such ways? How could I have said the things I did? The condescension. The belittling. The self-righteousness.
I am a Christian wife. The bible commands me in Proverbs 31, where it gives qualities of the ideal woman, to do you, my husband, good and not evil all the days of my life.
Somehow I misinterpreted the scripture and did you evil instead of good almost all the days of our marriage.
This is not easy for me to admit, but as the Holy Spirit has encouraged me to write this letter, I just want to be as open and and as honest as possible with you.
Even though I have held onto my faith and my relationship with Christ throughout our marriage, there was nothing Christlike about the way I dealt with you.
I did not model the fruit of the spirit, which are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
I did not act with wisdom. According to Proverbs 14, a wise woman builds her house, but in my folly, I tore mine down. I tore you down, I tore our marriage down, I tore our children down, I tore our family down. How could I? I keep asking myself.
Even if I felt pressure from taking care of things when I thought you should...even if you weren't doing all you could do to build and sustain our family...even if you weren't doing things fast enough according to my time table, did I have the right to act towards you as I did? Speak to you like I did?
A resounding NO! I did not have the right.
I want to blame many things for my behavior during our time together, but the God in me won't allow me to blame anything.
He's just having me take full responsibility for my actions.
My husband, I don't know how I got to this place. Truly. I don't know. I had wanted to be married, and I had looked forward to us growing as husband and wife and especially growing together as Christians.
I saw you then as my head, and I still do. That's what the bible teaches, and it is what I sincerely believe.
I always wanted you to lead. Many times I felt like I was leading our family and I resented that. I just wanted to be a woman and wife and mother and helpmate. I just wanted to be covered. You are my covering.
With you gone, I have no covering. Most days I feel empty and thoughtless. I feel lost like I don't know what to do.
I understand the current circumstances of our lives, but God is able. There is much more I can say, but I will stop here.
I do not write this to attempt to sway you one way or another, just to give you a little insight into my thoughts.
Thank you for loving our children. I know you want to do your best by them. God bless you in all your endeavors. Stop worrying. Start eating a little more :).