A heartfelt apology letter. I miss you, my love.
by Jason R.
(Salt Lake City)
I never want you to feel this pain again. I miss you, my love Savannah... I am writing you this because you deserve a real apology. I knew from the beginning I hurt you. I didn't realize the amount of pain and different types because I was too wrapped up letting my fears, pride, and ego blind me. When I was in relapse-mode, I should have recognized the warning signs.
I should have reached out to you, you would have saved me! It's easier to ask for help than it is forgiveness.
I was selfish and completely wrong. I repaid you by making you feel disrespected and unimportant to me because I wouldn't reach out to you. Even though you hugged and offered many times and I couldn't accept your love. I made you feel sad and abandoned, because you knew me and I knew you intimately, yet I couldn't tell you I needed you and how I felt. I chose to lie about how I was. After I used, I had to lie to cover up where I had been. You were afraid of Auroras safety or removal because some government agency would come take her away if I got caught and arrested.
The worst part is when I chose to not receive your love, and relapse on opiates. I cheated on you with a pill. I told it my pain, and it numbed it making me think I was better but I wasn't. The pain had only just begun. I was now in dangerous territory, the last time I did this substance, I was headed to jail or death. Only two ways out of that addiction.
I was encountered by someone I used to use with at the interview with Herbie. They were in my hands so fast, and immediately went to the car and smoked it. I would plan a relapse out for months on drug court, but this time I didn't have to. I was already 'zero stated' in my mind. It did feel good for a whole ten minutes- I smoked too much at once. I started throwing up and got sick, and your brother saw.
I took Herbie home from his interview. I couldn't tell you what was running through my mind that point. I was in the middle of feeling sick, feeling numb to my pain, and knowing I had just destroyed my dreams. Fearing what was going to happen if I stayed home, I went to my brothers--Cody watched me and listened.
I used the rest in his bathroom off and on. Each time my mind a mix of feeling the rush, feeling excited, feeling numb, and after a few hits, I would feel hurt. I knew I betrayed not only my 4 years but I betrayed you. I knew this was about to get rough.
You just wanted me to come home to my family. I was afraid, and I couldn't let you see me high, or look in your face if I did, to see those beautiful eyes covered in tears or hurt. We argued on the phone, I blamed you, and we yelled, back and forth it went. You wouldn't give up because you loved me so much.
Later I realized to get out of this hell I just created- I was out two nights. I knew I had to tell you- I couldn't take arguing with you, and making you feel unloved. I came home and for the first time in my life, I took accountability for my addiction.
That moment I broke the chain of relapse in my life for the first time. I was honest because it was the right thing to do, not because I had to in court.
You said it was okay- I was surprised. We had a plan but I didn't immediately go get medications like we discussed. I didn't go get any professional help and I still did not talk to you. I didn't follow through with our plan. I thought I would be fine again. I don't know if the pain lingered, or what happened after that- but If I just went with our plan, you would not have had to watch me walk out the door that day for our break.
The hardest part in all this was "Hey I'm Jason and I'm an addict" I basically had to say that to your face with our baby inside, with your family upstairs. Pitiful low point of my life. Everyone who has loved and accepted me for so long, at the house where I spent the last two Christmas' with everyone. I am so thankful to have cherished any of that, and I am awful at showing it. I don't know how I felt so much acceptance in the beginning, and grew apart.
My reasons DO NOT excuse my actions, nor do I wish to drawn any sympathy. You must know why though. I didn't feel I fulfilled the role of father. It had been eating me up for months, swimming in bills, and feeling inadequate. I was questioning my ability to provide, protect, and provide comfort for my daughter and future wife. We had no time together, to take care of each other, to talk about anything, to show love to each other.
I did the worst thing I could have done to change it all. I didn't do it to hurt you, and I didn't do it to get attention. I did them because I was weak. I shut down to everyone in my new family because I was hiding that I had relapsed, I let everyone down, and couldn't say anything.
I am asking for forgiveness, if you even want to give me the time of day besides briefly with our daughter anymore. If you will, I understand that it will take time to mend. I do believe an apology and forgiveness are the first two step. The rest comes from my effort.
I will make reasonable promises. I will follow through. I will keep those promises and remain consistent.
I am motivated to be with you again. I will do anything you wish for and want of me, including remaining patient, and courageous. I know I don't deserve it. I will with the same fire and longing I had when we first met, and first moved in, and we first found out about Aurora- I am motivated because I never caused so much pain to myself, by hurting another.
This is not guilt, this is remorse. I will never do this to you again. That's a lifetime promise so you will never see it broken. I won't do any illegal drugs- opiates, weed, and I won't drink without you. I also will not watch pornography. You must feel awful knowing I did.
You are beautiful, and desirable Savannah. I am sorry I let videos like that replace our intimacy, it got worse during the pregnancy, and ruined our sex life. I read about it online, and came to realize how bad it was for us and my general respect towards all woman.
I don't expect this to change anything, but I am hoping with all I am that you will forgive and we can move past this. No matter the time it takes, or the trials we face.
I want to be yours and, continue growing as the happy family we created, as well as spend quality time one on one with my best friend and lover. Just like the times when I would wait all day in our nearly empty apartment, I would wait for you to come home just to tickle you for half an hour. Suddenly the apartment wasn't so empty anymore.
I love you to the moon and stars and back again,
"If you love and get hurt, love more.
If you love more and hurt more, love even more.
If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more..."