A letter to Dad and an Apology to Myself

by Jeanette
(Malta)

Hey dad... I was wondering where are you right now? What are you doing? But I will never know because you won't reply if I text you .. even if you do I don't want you to. 9 days ago I just had my birthday and you didn't even send me a happy birthday text, 6 days ago was Christmas and I might as well add you haven't sent me a message with a happy Christmas and Today?

It's frigging new year's day and again you haven't sent me a happy new year message. The worst part of it all is that I actually felt guilty when you had a birthday and the day after your birthday I just went to buy that crappy present to try to make it up to you, but now?

I regret it. I regret ALL OF IT. I especially regret letting you in my life.

I forgave you after all the pain you put me through. I tried to blame myself for all of it but not now. I know that I didn't do a thing to push you away. I wasn't even born....

It's you. You are the bad person. It's because you are not responsible. You were, and still are a coward of a man.

You cheated on your lady so you decided to say you aren't my dad and that I should try to understand but now I know. You are nothing more than a d*ck and I have learned my lesson now.

All you care about is yourself and your money. But dad remember all the money you have will not go to your grave with you, you will pass it to your kids--not us because we are not your kids at least in your mind. It's okay dad don't worry ...

You don't have to but I have to tell you that you're such a selfish man. Do you ever wonder who was my first kiss, have you ever noticed the scars on my hands or legs? The pain and the tears in my eyes?

Do you know that 4 days ago I had an accident and I could be dead. Would you forgive yourself if that would ever happen? I guess you wouldn't even care.

You promised you will stay forever and help me get through everything. Remember that time when you said "you're my baby and I will not let anyone hurt my baby"? Do you?

I remember it clearly because those words are the words I always wanted to hear so yes...I heard them and that day I felt like the most special girl in the world.

But you broke every promise you made and you broke something else you can never fix. You broke my heart and money can't fix it so don't ever try to give me money to make me happy.

That is what you use to do to me. You used to tell me if I feel lonely I should go the shops to fill in the emptiness. But what you don't understand is that buying things does not make me happy.

They will never fix the scar in my heart ... it's permanent dad even when I feel happy, it's still there and it still hurts.

But as of today, I will no longer worry about you.

I am apologizing to myself for wasting so much time on you. I am free of you Dad as of today.

What you choose to do in the future is up to you but you will no longer effect my life. And I will no longer wait for you to grow up and be responsible.

I am strong and I love me.