A lost Mother & Wife's Apology
by A Lost Mother & Wife
My husband... You and I had another fight... something stupid again and you just got home from work when I was asking you questions about our house that we are buying. You didn't really want to talk yet and it sure didn't help that the kids were screaming and cranky when I was trying to talk to you.
I'm sorry and I wish I could have communicated better to you. I wish you would also feel my pain and know when you make fun of me for crying when we fight, it makes me feel like I'm stupid and that you view me as weak.
Whenever you say to me, I go to work, I take care of the kids, I don't beat you, what more do you want from me? ... it makes me feel like that's the only role you think you should play. I want you to be my husband, my friend, my up-lifter, and someone I can turn to who won't judge me and ridicule me.
I really feel like your only with me because of the kids. We don't sleep together and aren't romantic at all anymore because of my weight. I've gained a lot of weight and I don't blame you for how you feel... Although I wish you didn't.
It's so hard to be motivated when I don't feel like I deserve to be happy or don't even feel like I can accomplish anything. For what it's worth I'm sorry for letting you down as a wife. I'm so sorry. I'm trying to get back to the person I used to be but I don't know where she is.
I'd even like to apologize to my little ones. I'm sorry I'm not a good example of how to be healthy. I'm sorry that in my sadness and anger and self loathing I'm not as good a mother that you both deserve. I'm sorry for not taking you out of the house nearly as much as I should. I'm just so afraid to leave the house. I know it's because of how I look now. I'm so sorry I'm your mother. I'm sorry for contemplating suicide so many times and thinking you would be better off without me and so would Daddy.
I know it's selfish and I know the right answer is never to do that... I just get so sad sometimes that it all floods over me and I feel like I'm drowning and I just want my sorrow to end. I don't want to hold you or your brother back as you grow. I just don't know if I'm mother material. I feel like it's my fault the delays you've had my little one. Mommy is so glad you're speaking now sooo much more. We still aren't sure if you have autism or not and either way you are perfect and so beautiful and so smart. I just feel like it's my fault and want you to have a normal life.
I'm just so sorry I'm not the best person I can be, even though I'm not even sure who I'd be. I can only hope I can just get out of this depression on my own and lose weight so I won't feel so worthless anymore and maybe I'll feel so much better and I won't be afraid all the time. I'm so sorry to my family for the way I am. I wish I had help :( I'm sorry.
I just don't want any of you feeling like I do and you two kids and Daddy deserve better than me... I'm so sorry for what I am... I don't mean to punish any of you.
I needed to write so I can try to get it all out so I won't just sit in my room and cry or worse.