Alcoholism & Drug Abuse: Admission of personal & professional misdoings.
by Michael W.
(Valley Center, Ca )
I have beef emotionally bankrupt since early childhood (since I was self awareness) I have always felt lost and as an outsider.
This was not the fault of anyone but myself. I turned my back on god, he did not turn his on me.
I was very upset at AA and stayed away from the organization because I felt that it failed my father.
I allowed my ego, selfishness and self pity to govern my life. I set out to prove that alcoholics were not bad people as I loved my father.
I was dead to the message of AA as a child blinded by anger a conveniently convinced myself that it was the fault of the very organized recovery that could’ve helped me with my condition of spiritual bankruptcy much earlier in life and with far less wreckage being left in the wake of my selfish existence.
On my journey to prove that alcoholics were not bad people I recently stopped back into the rooms of AA and found that the people in those rooms are currently and have been in my absence doing what I could not do alone.
They are good people making an earnest effort at demonstrating that alcoholics are not always to be dismissed as productive, loving members of society.
I have been forced to go by ? ( unknown) so I feel I must apologize to the people in those rooms for being dishonest.
I have had a sour face and wore my contempt for them and their recovery outwardly and should in no way be involved with them at this time as my presence is dark and could be a detriment to their recovery.
I do not need to continue to be selfish and cause more wreckage.
I have prayed on this and will continue to do so. The reasons I found myself in the rooms currently are as follows and I wish to apologize to all good people I have come in contact with through any avenues of life be they personal or professional or otherwise:
I use alcohol and drugs to gain an artificial confidence so as to get jobs, with women, get other drugs to gamble, eat breathe and sleep.
I recently drove away yet another lover and friend as it pertains to personal relationships of the opposite sex. I was rude, overbearing, inconsiderate, embarrassing and you may add to the list as I would not argue with some other people who may have had an opportunity too see me do other malfeasances witnessed by themselves.
I did the same thing when it comes to others close too me including friends and clients and some who are both.
I have worked and drove around with them while I was intoxicated/ on a mind altering substance.
I have badgered them for advice and direction while I was altered as well and then conveniently blamed them for not “understanding “ me or wanting to help.
This of course in turn caused me to further isolate and become even more selfish and deranged. I dishonored and disrespected them in many more ways.
I am not afraid of listing all of the ways I may have disappointed and hit them. I honestly may not be aware of a large number of the ways as at times I was so self absorbed, fearful, and defensive I believe I did not always notice or could have a completely delusional idea of what I had done.
What I am saying is I am clueless to the magnitude of my destruction.
I mishandled then gave up on and abandoned 2 of my dogs that depended on me to care for them. The ultimate betrayal to them as a loving owner and as a “professional.”
There are I am sure many more.
The interactions I've had with complete strangers--it's occurred to me I would need a lifetime or more to track down everything and everyone I have done wrongly.
I have been asking people as I see them. It does feel liberating to have the opportunity to relieve myself from the burden of carrying that weight. So I will continue.
As far as my lover/girlfriend and the 2 dogs Greta and Rocket. I cannot un-ring that bell. She gave me a good look at myself and hope, both of which I feel indebted to her for. She is my teacher just as every dog and person that I ever have and ever will come into contact with is.
I have no interest in using. I see things more clearly as a result. I have no desire to run towards alcohol and drugs.
There is someone or some persons attempting to prove my resolve a failure and a farce. Good for them.
As a portion of my “recovery” I feel the need to deliver this apology and to give thanks to those who have helped me over the years both know and unknown by the grace of god, Thank You!
To the others: I, by my careless actions have earned your scorn and concerns, if this I am sure. I do not wish to blame any of the listed or unlisted as well as oversighted poor behaviors on my part solely on alcohol and drugs.
I was the one who chose poorly and took them into my body and then frequented all of my relationships with them in my system.
My fault, my shortcomings!
I am the root of the problems I allowed the taking of those substances to cause. Period!
The clear cut case in front of me is working diligently on the connection between a God I chose to turn my back on. He is not angry at me and I am becoming less so with myself as a result of this work.
To the people holding my X over my head or in front of me as a carrot. I find it hurtful and distracting. If it is recovery you are looking for; Please back off. I do love her and it hurts!!!!!
She is gone and has not looked back. Do you really need to involve her?
The dogs I gave up on…..my weakness, selfishness, poor lack of judgement, grossly negligent and downright lacking insensitivity as well as respect for life.
Me, I did it. The alcohol was not the problem it simply adds to my spirituality deficit that is the root of my character defects. I should be apologizing to them and only them.
My desperation and feelings of hopelessness at the time do not excuse my actions. I have beaten myself up enough and l feel right with my higher power, God on this point.
Feel free to use this mistake to manipulate me. I no longer am giving you permission or letting you live "Rent Free" in my head over either of these very personal, heartfelt matters.
A special thanks to everyone involved, I am grateful to post this apology.