Am Sorry Honey, I Love You So Much

by Ika S.
(Jombang, Indonesia)

I'm sorry I am constantly fighting everything. Right now, it feels like I am in a never-ending battle with myself. I am by no means good enough for you and it feels selfish of me to let you have feelings for me and give up your time and emotions just to deal with my unstable self.

One second I feel so confident in myself that I can give you everything you want and the next moment I am literally unable to talk because I am filled with such guilt.

I am sorry I let you fall in love with me. For the longest time I believed (and was told) that no one would love me the way I really am...so I wasn't concerned when we started getting close.

I just didn't see how someone as special as you could have possibly messed up enough to somehow want to be with me.

Anyway, we are having a difficult time right now. It's pretty obvious that I am not in a great place right now. So...

To my Dearest Husband,

I wounded you. Permit me still to call you my husband. I think of you always as such.

I want to blame many things for my behavior during our time together. I'm truly sorry for hurting you and making you feel like our relationship was a mistake.

I truly loved you day in and day out. You fell in love with me and then grew tired of who or how I was.

You don't care for me like you used to. And sometimes you hate me as a person.

There are things I've said to you that I can't take back. But I do love you. And that will always be true if you ever get curious.

We've had rough times but also some good ones that can't be forgotten no matter how bad the negative ones got. You're a perfect person. Just not the same person I fell I love with because of me.

If I wasn't right for you in some way, our relationship wouldn't have taken off the way it did. I'll love you always. And I will think about you. There are so many great things about you that I miss, that I cannot let go of, and will always admire.

I love the way we were. And it's difficult to stop. I love something that's gone and understand that fully. But I keep holding on as long as I can.

I love you honey.