I am so sorry for they way I have been behaving lately. I just have so much doubt in everything. You have always been the constant in my life, and I know I have said that before, but it is the truth. I always see my self as the lesser of the relationship we have had. I am the one that makes the bad decisions. You have always been my compass and gravity.
The past few years have just been so hard on both of us. I know I sure have not made it any easier. Lately I have been so depressed and... well, hurt. I just do not know how to react to anything between us. I know I have become overbearing with jealousy and distrust. I am having a really hard time processing it. I have never felt this way in my entire life, and I just can not control it.
I know it can be done because I see what you have put up with over these years. I have been nothing but insensitive to you and... well, just an all around jerk. I have never meant to make you feel belittled or disrespected. I know I have, but it was not my intention. You know I am not really good at expressing my feelings unless they are on paper. So that is what this is an attempt at.
I do trust you... I really and genuinely do. I do not trust others. We have been through so much and I know I have not been supportive to you in the ways that I need to. And I am not a mind reader. I do not want to guess anymore, I want to know what you need... what you want. I love you with every fiber of my being and I always will. I need work work past my issues as well.
I have forgiven you for the past... but I can not forget what has happened. I know it is the same with you. I want and wish for us, not just you and me, but us as a family to be close again. I see it in Tara, the way she has almost distanced herself from me. The way she acts is so frustrating, it is like looking in the mirror and seeing the two of us mashed together. It breaks my heart to even try to know what she thinks of me.
I see it in Jane, she tries so hard to do everything right. She really does remind me of a young version of myself. I was the same way, I never seemed to please Mom and Dad. And Emily, wow she is so much like you it just scares me. They each have our best qualities, but I think the past couple of years
have been amplifying the worst of our traits in them. I just want it all to end.
I want us back! I want our family back! I want to enjoy the rest of my life with you and only you! I do not want to lose the best friend that I have ever had nor do I want to lose the only love I have ever had. I really do not mean to sound cheesy but you do “complete me.” If I did not know you, if I did not have you in my life, I would not be me. Before you came into my life, I was on a one way ticket to no where. Sure, things may have worked out fine for me but I would always have known that something was missing.
I look back at Dad and Mom, Tom and Shay, Stuart and Amelia, as well as Rose and Tom. Their marriages have all been of convenience. Ours was for love, for us.
We knew how hard it would be, we knew that we were taking a risk. We went in without even hesitating. I was not “wonder love sick”, I was not doing it for “the right reasons.” I wanted you beside me for the rest of our lives. I always knew you would be the woman I would be with for the rest of my life. I never imagined myself with anyone else, only you. I still feel that way.
I do feel we are broken in some way. I feel like our lives have turned into the pieces of one of your puzzles, scattered on the table just waiting for the right hand... fingers to pick it up and to gently place each piece where it should go. I want to do this, but as we've done in the past, I need your help to keep me from mashing the wrong pieces in the wrong places. I need you to help me keep this puzzle together.
I am sorry. I am sorry for what I did yesterday, I am sorry for what I did today and what I'll do tomorrow. I know I could apologize for days on end but it may not eliminate your thought that I do not respect you. I know that my actions upset you tremendously and for that I am truly apologetic. My greatest wish is to never take you for granted and my fault is that I am human.
I am sorry that my emotions tend to overwhelm me. I know you deserve to be treated with respect, love and care...I want you to know that I truly do respect, love and care for you and I am hoping that with this you will forgive my conduct and realize how much you mean to me. I love you.