An Apology Letter to Nina
Dear Nina...I've thought long and hard about what you told me last night. I thought long and hard about it this morning. I'm thinking long and hard about it as I'm writing this.
NEVER say that you are nothing but pain to me.
NEVER say that you're a reason I cry at night.
NEVER say that I'd be better without you.
You are one of the most important people I have in my life. You listen when I need to speak and the fact that you've still listened through my selfish laments, despite the anguish it caused you, is unfathomably brave and true of you.
The fact that you can still look at me after I did this to you makes me fully realize your courage and loyalty. Yes, it did hurt when you called me Pumpkin initially. Yes, it did hurt when you made a heart with your hands. That pain was left in early January, because we did that before any of this happened. That was what we did before all of this happened.
Those are symbols of an undying friendship, not a failed relationship. You are my best friend and I have abused you emotionally.
I promise you, with my heart and soul, that this was the very last time I will do this to you. Our friendship is too precious for me to jeopardize it any further than I already have.
I know you love me as much as a best friend can. I know you're sorry that you can't love me romantically. I've treated you cruelly and unjustly these past couple months for reasons you have no control over. Being a Scorpio, it's natural for me to want to "take the ship down with me", but that doesn't make it the right thing to do.
You aren't the reason I cry at night anymore. That was true in the weeks following our breakup, but not now. You are one of the people that keep me from crying at night. You, Dustin, Emily, and Brandon are all the people that have been helping to keep me from crying at night.
My tears come from my insecurities. They come from my fears and I pin blame on the wrong reasons so I don't have to face realities that I don't have patience for. My tears come from the possibility of my parents separating. My tears come from the fear of losing you as my best friend because of my jealousy. My tears come from me being afraid of being alone.
All of these fears are determined by time and I feel as though I don't have time, and that I have to rush it in order for me to feel better. I've been feeling so stuck with where I am in life and I'm tired of waiting, but this is a waiting game.
I want to go out and meet new people and move on with my life, but I can't do that until I move on campus this summer. I keep feeling that I'm going to be stuck here forever when in reality, I need to exercise patience that things will start to get better once I get to college.
Those first few weeks of us breaking up, yes I did cry over you. Now, I cry about my fears of being alone and blame it on that fact, instead of facing the reality that I'm too impatient to register that loneliness is temporary. Those impulse thoughts are explosive and quick. You and the others bring me joy when my own mind turns against me in those moments.
You are my best friend. You mean so much to me and what I am writing here is the absolute truth. Yes, you did hurt me. But it's my self-pity, fear, and envy that has inflamed the wound. What you did to me does not justify what I have done to you in turn.
Today, I fully and truly move on.
Today, I fully and truly forgive you.
I humbly, and shamefully ask for your forgiveness at the pain I have caused you. After what has happened, I would not be surprised if you deem this letter as sweet talk to try and appeal to you after what happened. What I'm writing is the truth. Know that from the bottom of my heart and from our five years as friends, that I am sorry.
Today in the lab, I wrote down every negative thought and every insecurity I have had regarding us on scraps of paper, and burned them in a crucible of 16 molar nitric acid. I ended it there.
Talk to me about you and Brandon. Tell me everything you wish to tell about you two. Seeing you get giddy and excited about something he did for you really does bring me joy. I know I'll find someone one day. You spent so much time being afraid to do anything with him and your wish came true. My time hasn't come yet and I acknowledge that now. Enjoy your time with him. He is a wonderful boy and I trust him fully. My Bruce is out there somewhere. He's probably stuck in a tree.
I love you, Nina. But this love is different than the love I've only shown you recently. This love is one that I've dug up from within myself from beneath the ash to find the seeds sown from our friendship.
This "I love you" is drawn from the five years we've shared together as dearest friends. This love comes from the nights we've cried together, either sorrowful ones or joyful ones.
This love comes from the times we've laughed until it hurt to breathe. This love comes from the nights we've stayed up with me listening to you babble and me giggling at you as you talked about ninja octopuses and some kid's sea monkeys.
This love comes from one best friend to be received by the other. This is the "I love you" that I started telling you years ago and it's the kind of "I love you" that I'm going to tell you until we're old maids on a porch. You aren't my Snow Queen, that's not what I know you are. You are my Lady Zilla, that spits acid and has a supersonic roar. What you said last night has given me a well-deserved slap across the face and opened my eyes to what's really important to me.
You really are Belle, not Elsa. Elsa would have removed herself from this a long time ago. You have shown nothing but patience, understanding, and kindness with my "beastly" attitude. And what have I done? I've done nothing but attacked you over and over. It's like in the Enchanted Christmas when Belle does everything she can to make Beast happy, and he gets angrier and angrier at her. I really have been a beast to you these past months. But these few months are a hiccup compared to nearly five years. I'm ready to quit the moping and focus on more important things, like nursing our friendship back to health.
I've been a huge jerk to you. I can't take back what I've said because the damage has already been done. I don't expect to be forgiven immediately. We are both at fault for our actions and it's time we moved on.
I forgive you, Nina Marie.
Can you forgive me and move on with me as your best friend of five years?