An Apology To Beanie
Dear Beanie... I really don't know what else to do, so I am putting this apology out there for all the world to see. Perhaps the universe's powers might help. I have posted online prayers for you the last two years as well. I know you probably will never see this, but since the misunderstanding in Atlanta when I was so ill, I have been heartsick over it ever since.
I know I have tried to apologize to you in writing, and you have not responded. I have had to put the pieces to the puzzle together on my own for the most part, and all of this is so humbling in many ways.
I can't help but wander if you ever thought about or realized that we were both thinking two different things when I wrote you the first letter from Atlanta. I think you thought I was writing to say I didn't want to be friends anymore because of the way I worded it while I was sick.
Not at all, I was so ill and on so many different medications I had myself convinced something was wrong with you. And that is why you wouldn't call.
Remember you had said they had me all mixed up, yes you were right. But I was never trying to push you out of my life. Never!! My letter was to let you know that if something was wrong, and perhaps is why you were afraid to call me in Atlanta or perhaps you were trying to distance yourself from me that I totally understood. My letter was out of concern for you, not out of concern for me.
I thought maybe something was going on that you couldn't tell me, like at work or at home. I was worried about you, we always talked when I was away. Then the next letters that I wrote after your card you sent as a response to letter (because you thought I was mad at you or vice versa)- confused me more. I still thought the card was you were mad about something back home.
So my continued writing to your was to reaffirm that I would never walk away from you if you needed a friend. I seriously think you thought I was writing and scolding you. Not at all.....never....
The whole problem started because of my not being able to understand that you were trying to be considerate of me, wanting me to rest and not wake me up. Or catch my at a bad time. I was unable to understand that, and then by a few comments that you made before I left for Atlanta, made me think that you thought I wasn't putting out as much with our friendship as you were. When in fact I as trying to be considerate of you, work and family.
So my dearest friend, due to poor communication between us, of which I take complete responsibility, our problem became bigger then it ever should have.
Remember when you came to visit me before you left for Florida. I think you were just as puzzled as I was as to what was going on between us. I give you my word that the entire time in Atlanta I was worried about you. I really thought something was wrong. I was never disappointed in you and our friendship.
Anyhow, there is so much more, but of all the mistakes I have made in my life this has been so very very hard to come to terms with. Somehow a problem came between a friendship that never ever should have. I can only imagine how you must feel.
You gave and gave to me, where there for me through thick and thin, always made time for me. Always!! And I longed for a time that I could reciprocate being there for you as a good friend would do. Yet, I seemed to have blown it, big time.
I know by you ignoring any correspondence from me that I have hurt you so very deeply through both my ignorance and inability to comprehend many things, which was totally not my intention at all.
Of all the people in the world you are one person that I would never ever want to hurt. And yet I managed to do so. I have always loved you with my whole heart, there is no better friend than you have been "Bean". You are a blessing to anyone who's life you touch including mine.
I feel lost without my best pal. So much time has gone by and we have missed so much in each others lives. I am concerned for you everyday. I do so hope God answers my prayers that one day we can be reconciled, begin healing, and bring growth to our relationship making it stronger than ever before. We have had an opportunity to learn about one another's feelings, values, needs, and a wonderful chance to break down the walls you have of keeping everyone people at a distance. I know it's not easy for you to trust people, and you did trust me.
I pray that one day that God will give you the courage and strength to share with me the hurt and the anger, and allow me to validate your feelings. Allow yourself a chance to trust more intimately. And let someone love you unconditionally, as well as allow yourself the experience of the power of forgiveness at work.
My arms have been and always will be wide open, a door open and I keep a light on in my heart that one day you will find your way back. One day may you give me a second chance.
I pray that you are well everyday, and that life is very good to you. You are a treasure Beanie, I miss you. Please forgive me, can you forgive me? Can we make things right again? You always told me nothing is impossible, nothing. I firmly believe that to be true in our friendship.
I love you dear friend more than you will ever know.
Hugs and blessings to your day-