Let me start this letter by saying I never, ever, ever meant to hurt your feelings. It's the last thing I would ever want to do.
If you don't believe anything else, please know that. Please know that I am sorry beyond any of the words I put to paper.
Hurting someone you love and knowing that you are the one that caused the pain is more than I can bare. You are my best friend, my girlfriend, and the light of my life.
Whenever we were apart and I used to think about you, a smile would come to my face.
Whenever I was nervous or anxious, I would think about you, smile, and calm down immediately.
You were and are my 'happy place'. But now when I think of you, all I see is the hurt in your face. And, the smile that used to come so naturally and automatically to me, is now replaced with a frown.
I never realized the implications of my behavior and words and the effect they would have on you. I've always been casual with words, never giving a thought to how they could be weaponized, how piercing they could be, and how hurtful they are.
I never viewed the lies I told as lying. Instead, I thought of them as exaggerations,saying things to prevent hurting someone's feelings, that none of it really mattered.
I never thought about how the snide remarks I make sometimes are passive aggressive behavior.
I never saw the abuse in my words. The abuse and disrespect I showed you by lying to you.
I now know that I've been doing this all my life and it's time for me to take responsibility for my actions and words. It's time for me to grow up. It's time for me to honor my life, family, friends and the lives of everyone around me.
I have to admit that these are pretty big revelations to me. This is a life changing moment.
What it took to get me here was that fleeting moment when I saw the deep, honest, and profound hurt in your eyes.
I looked into your eyes and saw that I hurt your soul.
It crushed me. The honesty of it all shocked me. The pureness of the moment took my breath away and all of my words and actions towards you came rushing through my mind.
You've told me before how I've hurt your feelings, I'd listen, apologize and we would move on. But I never really understood what it meant. I viewed it as casually as my words. I understood it in my mind but not emotionally.
Now I do.
Your eyes made it clear to me. I have no excuses, only shame for hurting you.
So here I stand in front of you, asking for your forgiveness and promising you that the lies and hurtful behavior is over. I promise you that it will never happen again.
I hope you'll continue to have faith in me and let me prove myself to you so that one day in the future when I think of you, that smile returns to my face.