Apology Letter to an Abusive Husband
To my Husband RJ,
I expect my words to be ignored and ridiculed. I expect my deepest feelings to be unimportant. I know what I say means nothing. Even with this knowledge, I must speak from my heart.
From the moment I heard your voice I knew that you were a special person. We talked for hours and shared our most intimate secrets. We laughed played and laughed some more.
I remember our first kiss and the tingles that went through my lips, to the top of my head, to the tips of my toes and straight to my heart. It was kismet.
We shared the most incredible life together. We had a beautiful son, an almost unbreakable friendship and a love that was deeper and unlike any other I've ever known. As time passed the feelings we had slowly changed. It became resentment, boredom, hurt and regret. I have been given more grief than I understood. I withstood more hurt than I could fathom yet I always believed that the love we had could and would conquer all.
Unfortunately, we didn't understand that in order for that to be possible we have to give more than take and sometimes take when we didn't feel deserving. Our feelings weren't our priority as they should have been as we pouted when we should have poured on more understanding. We cried when we should have laughed. We were angry when we should have been grateful.
You have been very jealous and possessive. I have been emotionally abused by your accusations. You have been insisting that I am having an affair. This abuse started 3 months after our wedding. You are jealous of my friends and you did not respect my education and put down my education every time you had the opportunity.
You have been accusing me for throwing myself to every men I see or looking for them. I felt very uncomfortable to go out with you. I decided not to attend any functions or parties just as a way to spare other scenes or accusations from you. You believe that I can be sleeping with any man I encountered. I was feeling utterly overwhelmed and frustrated with you because of this.
I tried as hard as I could to convince your negative thoughts were wrong. As a matter of fact, the more I attempted to convince you that there is no cheating, the angrier you became. In order for you to stop your accusations, I had to accept that I have been unfaithful with a man for 20 yrs, and the truth is I never had any intimate relationships with that before.
Now the tides have changed. The love that I thought would hold us together has passed. The time spent together is now almost a regretful past that has quickly been forgotten.
It is shaded by hate, despair, and unbearable heartache. I didn’t regret spending the last 17 years of my life with you. But I regret that my love alone cannot fill the gaps and emptiness that you now feel because of your past. I regret that I can only love you this much, you deserve a better woman that will love you your way.
I am to blame for the actions I have taken, because I kept my cool for 17 years and let your emotions and your abuse get the best of me. You spewed angry, hateful words and you cannot take them back.
As I stated earlier I expect nothing. I expect no understanding or reciprocation of the sentiment expressed in this letter. As you said that I will be just a 'funny story' to tell your other relationships. To laugh at me is to be honest. To not believe me is the truth.
Don't expect me to answer your calls every time and listen to your problems or what's going on with your life. Don't look forward to anything from me anymore. And please understand, I am not doing this to teach you a lesson. I am doing this because I am finally done with you. I am just fed up, and my heart can't take it anymore.
You don’t need me to change for the better. You don’t need me so that you can have a better life. You don’t need anyone… You can make your life more meaningful… You are the only one who can change this. Not me…
In the meantime, I will try to find myself, find the things that I can do best, things that I forgot I once had. I should try and learn how to truly love myself first before I can give more to any relationship. This is a wonderful time for both of us to pick up the pieces that we lost in the process.
So in closing, I know that I have made severe and life altering mistakes and decisions that I will never forget. With that said, I can and will learn from them and not make them again especially letting an abuser get the best of me.
I wish that you had found your flower in a field of weeds… I believe that she will be able to make you smile and I can't be mad at that. I shared 17 years of wonderful and bad moments with you and those are the positive memories I will hold close to me until the day God calls me home.
Even with the ugliness displayed over the last few days, I am happy that I know you, happy that I once loved you, and happy that I can move on.
"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful– Albert Schweitzer"