I hope that you have been doing well. I write this not to beg for you. I am not trying to win you back or even change your heart. I write this because I have hurt you. I have hurt you to the point where the pain was too great for you to withstand. I write this because I want to tell you how sorry I am for all that I have done.
I do not know how I could have been so foolish. For so long you had gave me the answers to how I could cure what you felt. You told me you would lay in bed at night and cry yourself to sleep because of the things that I would do; things I did not notice I was doing until now. It was hard for me to admit the wrongdoings I had committed against you. You wrote to me that instead of making things right that I instead would act like a victim. You are right.
I would feel bad for things that I did, like when I would miss one of your performances, or when I missed the third anniversary date you planned so hard for, but I would justify it to myself by saying that you had done similar things to me. I know now that what you did to me in the past does not matter for how I act in the future. I should have forgave and moved on. I want to say that I have forgiven everything that you did wrong.
I have no idea how you could ever forgive me for the things that I did wrong. When you decided to break up with me it was because I had misused your trust for the last time. I made another promise that I failed to keep. You told me that you have given me so many chances that you could not forgive me anymore. I understand. All you wanted me to do was show that I loved you by actually trying for you. I know that what I was doing was not trying. It was me being lazy and too complacent and comfortable.
I was given a movie that has changed my life for the better. It has really made me think about how to actually love someone. The movie is called Fireproof. You may have seen it, as I know your connection to God is a strong bond. There is a quote that really made me think deep down.
When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. If the amount he studied before marriage was equal to a high school degree, he should continue to learn about her until he gains a college degree, a master’s degree, and ultimately a doctorate degree. It is a lifelong journey that draws his heart ever closer to hers.
I failed to continue to study you. I thought I had the answers but in reality I knew nothing. What pains me is that you were giving me the answers all along. I have read our old text messages; I have read what we would say on Skype. I read that you thought I never tried to impress you anymore.
You said that I was not making you as happy as I could. Instead of trying to find out what I could do all I did was give back a sarcastic answer. You are correct in saying that there was no talking to me anymore. Our words matter in how we love someone. They reflect how we feel in our hearts. I understand why you would believe I stopped caring. I failed to continue to study your needs.
I used to hate when you would ask me why I loved you. The reason is because I honestly was not sure why. I knew that I loved you. I felt like I loved you. But why?
I would say things like words do not exist to describe how I feel. That still holds some weight, but I know now why I love you. I love you because you would love me even when there was no clear reward. Even when I hurt you again and again you still tried to love me. You still tried to see if I would do better for you. You supported me when I felt like the world was against me. You held me when the only thing I wanted to do was run from life. You kissed me when I thought no one in the world could ever love me. Why did I not do that for you?
Why did I not go to your performances? Why did I not try harder to make time for you when all I had was time to give? Why did I not do things like go to church with you or sit down and spend time doing things you enjoyed to do? How could I have even dared to be so selfish? I always wanted you to come to me. I always focused on getting you alone in my room. Why did I not instead go to you? All these things prove to me that I did not love you like I should have loved you. I did not pull my fair share.
The only thing I want in the world is to have your forgiveness one last time.
I want to show you that I am changing myself for the better. I have grown to love you even more because now I want to show you that I do want to see you on stage, I do want to join you in prayer, I do want to take time and spend it with you. Yet, I may never get that chance.
You may never even see my words I write here as I have caused you to block all ways I have of talking to you. I can’t call you, I can’t message you, I can’t even see you in person or send something in the mail because I brought you to the point of fearing me.
The only thing I can do is wait and hope someday I am given a chance at your forgiveness. Until then, I have to continue learning. I have to continue discovering what it means to love someone.
My heart yearns for my efforts to be put into you, but I made mistakes; mistakes that pushed you away most likely forever. I am truthful when I say I am ready to fix all of my mistakes. I am honest when I say that I would never hurt you the way I have again. I want to show I love you for who you are and not what you can give. I want one last chance to make it right, but I know I do not deserve one.