Apology To My Son

by Lisa Rigg

To my Dear son Jeff,


I want to apologize to you from the depths of my soul for how my actions became so totally out of control, resulting in tremendous hurt to you and Kyle.

I was making horrible choices and heading down a path of selfish self-destruction that ultimately cost me everyone and everything I had in my life, most importantly you and Kyle.

I was abusing my prescription medications (mainly Ritalin) in huge amounts, and other times drinking in access which led me to a three month jail sentence that I am certainly not proud of as a mother. I didn't want you to see me in the condition I was spiraling into and I isolated myself from you. Not because I do not love you with every fiber of my being, but I thought in some sick twisted way I was protecting you, and also hiding from you how bad my problem really was I fully admit. I managed to drive you away in the process without intending to.

You have every right to be angry at me and very hurt. I take total responsibility for all of my behavior and believe me I have had over a year all alone with only my thoughts and absolute feelings of remorse and regret for everything I did, starting back when you were about 9 with my infidelities and staying gone from home for days at a time.

Thank God Louise was there for you and she loved you just as if you were her own flesh and blood when I chose to be absent. The guilt I feel over this cannot even be put into words. That was precious time I wasted away when I should have been with you and Kyle and Louise. God I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, but this is real life and that is not possible.

I didn't start the Ritalin abuse (and I was crushing and snorting it) until 2008 when I started going to Mexico to purchase ridiculously large amounts of it. That's when the violent and aggressive and out-of-control behavior began and finally ended me in the mental institution for the criminally insane for a night and my Psychiatrist said I was actually in a Psychosis. I never told him how much Ritalin I was taking.

I will never forget when you were standing in your bedroom door at the El Cajon house and you told me "I don't like who you've become!" You were absolutely right, and I was so far-gone I didn't even realize how I was changing in horrible ways mentally, physically and spiritually.

I NEVER, EVER stopped loving you though, and I love you now and miss you so much it hurts, and it tears me up to know how I broke your heart and lost your trust.

I will love you for as long as I live Jeff even if you hate me. My love for my first-born baby is special and unconditional. I hope you are happy in your marriage to Tawny, and I wish you much love and an exciting life together. She's a very wonderful young woman and I am very proud of you both.

It was unfortunate for everyone involved that day that my friend who was helping me move(no lie) opened your bedroom door and violated your privacy.I don't think Tawny and I ever spoke after that.

I am so very sorry for everything and especially for not being there for you. They say that out of only true remorse comes the determination to better oneself from the experience and make a life change.

I can promise you that I am doing just that. I'm taking care of a lot of medical problems that I have been avoiding and doing a major attitude adjustment. I have mellowed out quite a bit. If there is any way you can find it in your heart to forgive me it would mean the world to me Jeff, but I understand and respect your decision if you can't.

In all honesty, when I was at my worst on Ritalin there are time periods that I cannot recall at all. There are probably far more things I've done that I may not remember and I would be more than willing to listen to you tell me, even if just to vent your anger, how much I hurt you and why.

I need to hear it from you, because the not knowing exactly which events I pulled that finally drove you away from me eats me up. That's up to you I know. Please take some time and think about it if you could.

I know "I'm sorry" will not fix anything or make it ok. I would hate for us to have no closure with this at all if anything was to happen. Again I am very proud of what a fine young man you have turned out to be (from the tidbits I hear) and I know you and your beautiful bride have a very exciting and successful life ahead of you. I have tears in my eyes of love and pride for you.

It's been almost a year and a half since I've seen you or heard from you. You are probably a very handsome young man now, no doubt. If I don't hear back from you please know that I love you from the deepest part of my soul and always will no matter what happens. I hope you're still playing your electric guitar and listening to good rock music.

I think about you every day and wonder and wonder what your life is like now.

I Love You so much ~ Mommy

Comments for Apology To My Son

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A mother trying to be humble
by: Anonymous

I can't imagine another mother feeling the same way I do. I have a diary that I write in and I would say those are my words to my son.

Lovell is his name to which he was my love child from my childhood sweetheart. He is one of the two boys that I had in my secret life of addiction.

He was 3 and my other son was 6 months when I got clean. I have been clean now for 26 1/2 years now.

My mother had him a lot because I was in school and working so when I saw him it was just to put pjs on and kiss him goodbye.

And I was off to the races.

I changed my life now but my life has always been with men in my life. Men that always took care of me and I take advantage. One was never enough for me.

So when he was 15 going on 16, I sent him away because he was starting to get involved with girls and you know with girls come other guys and cutting school to hang out and then gangs.

I was scared for him at times. I know everyone says that their kids are cute, but I can really say my son was.

The man I married was a police officer and when the school called me to school one day, the worst came to me on that long ride to the school. The police were there and my son sat in the room because he brought one of my knifes and a brick to school to fight.

I was upset but yet scared. I was told he was fighting and he hit someone and the gang tried to jump him. He ran across a 6-8 line boulevard.

I called my mom to ask if he can go live there in Florida with her and of course she said yes. My mother loves my son. She had 10 children but my child was the only one she had seen born. They are close.

Ever since I have sent him away we don't talk like we used to. He never wanted to leave but I wasn't going to bury a child.

He is 30 now, a father of my beautiful granddaughter who is 10 and her name is Serenity. I found a new way to live and I asked him why he named her Serenity and he said because that was the prayer that always kept me calm.

I'm in recovery. we don't talk much. In almost 6 years it's been surface stuff talking when I go visit. He never wanted to come back to NY. He stayed and made his life in Fl.

I miss my son and I love him oh so much, I just wish we can get to a place that laughter comes back into our life again.

You are in my prayers Momma
by: Tammy

WOW 😢 your beautiful heart touching letter made me cry. I believe our story is almost exactly the same. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your painful but straight forward emotional apology.

I don't have a clue to where I should start, because I don't know what, when or honestly why he cut me out of his life.

His last Tour to Afghanistan before he left, we had an amazing time. Before he ever came back I was cut out of his life and he hasn't spoken to me since August 2012, going on 6yrs. He's doing good from what little I can get out of anyone. Engaged to a beautiful young lady, etc.

I was told I wasn't invited to their January wedding😢.... I don't know what to say or where to begin not knowing what went SO WRONG. I will keep you in my prayers and I pray that you will once again be with your Baby Boy.

God bless.
Tammy

I can so understand
by: Deana

I can so relate to this. I haven't seen or talked to my son for 11 years. The pain is awful and mine but what's worse is that I hurt him so bad. Never a day goes by without the pain. I'm sorry for your pain. But I'm sure as with me we love our children more than life itself. And how sorry we are or it wouldn't hurt so bad. God Bless you.

Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for being so open - your beautifully written heartfelt letter - helped me write my own to my military son.

Prayers

Amazing and honest
by: Mindi

That was so heart breaking but yet from your heart. This has helped me with my personal issues with not only my kids but my parents as well.

Same boat.
by: Ken

My dear God! The pain and suffering you are experiencing is all too familiar to me. Of course we do not know one another but I know you so well.

I know the strength it must have taken to pen those words. I have lost my family and everything else as well due to my prescription drug abuse. I've destroyed my marriage and broken the hearts of my wife and anyone who has ever cared for me.

I haven't spoken to my 19 year old daughter in over two years and she has done all she can to remove any trace of me from her life. My 15 year old son has forgiven me although I rarely speak with him and see him even less. It is too painful for him to be reminded of the disappointment he felt in watching me become the monster that I am.

I will be 50 years old in a few days and I am completely alone tortured every minute by the the guilt, remorse, self hate and thoughts of a life that once was filled with laughter, hope and love.

I wish somehow I could take away your pain but I know how fruitless any words of mine must be. The courage it took for you to write that letter is admirable. I honestly pray that your family may find it in their hearts to forgive you and allow you to be a part of their lives in some way.

I also pray that you are moving forward with your life and trying somehow to control your drug abuse. I pray that you can or have done everything that I cannot to find it in myself to do. I have basically given up all hope that I may ever be happy again.

I will not hurt myself as I am too cowardly so I live in constant sadness haunted by the shame and embarrassment, the damage and pain I've caused my loved ones. I beg you to somehow reach out to anyone who may help you with this insidious problem. You can be well and you can move on with your life.

You will be in my heart!

Wow
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing this. I'm drowning in tears right now.

Your wonderful letter helped me
by: Anonymous

You are an awesome person, and I was struggling and fearful about apologizing to my son. God Bless you, your letter has helped me.
Brenda

Apology to son.
by: Anonymous

Thanks...Your letter made me cry, I did not copy word by word, changed a bit line by line. It made me feel better. I will sleep good tonite. Stay blessed.

Beautiful apology...but some will take advantage
by: Anonymous

My ex just used your words (almost exactly) to "apologize" to his daughter. From you they ring true. From him, just another manipulation. I hope you and your son reunited.

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