I feel that an apology is simply not enough to make up for what I put you through during the last year of what is now our lifeless and inert relationship.
That being said, I will say that I'm sorry; but not FOR me, and not for the purposes of sway, or any pretense that would beg your attentions.
I will say I'm sorry because you didn't deserve to be forced to live a roller coaster of emotions and confusions. You deserve who I actually am. It was I alone that let the influences of what might be best described in this venue as "evil", into our lives. It was I that became complacent in regards to your feelings, your dreams, hopes and aspirations.
Those things within you were of course there in me, only, I allowed the influences of the "evil" to direct my actions, even though I knew in my heart better of, first myself, you, and us.
I committed a behemoth injustice upon you. All the while knowing in my heart that I should be there in our bed as each night falls, with you. Holding you, laughing and loving, being one with my true and honorable soulmate that is the very you.
I should have been there when you cried because I wasn't. I should have rushed to you when you were sleeping on my side of the bed simply because you could smell my presence there. I should have cried out for help long before you were forced to confront me with it. I should have recognized you. I should have stopped my selfish, self absorbent behavior in spite of the "evil" that I believed I was stronger than.
I have sacrificed all that I have, all that I had to make the journey back to me. I should have been smarter than I thought I was, so the journey back would not have been necessary. There are so many things I should have done. So many times I should have spoken truth to you instead of covering my inadequacies, my self binding and loathsome behavior with a thin veil of lies.
I should have dropped to my knees and begged you for help as I was lost and needed guidance from the one person in the entire world that would have surely given it to me while expecting nothing in return. The one person who truly loves me. You.
I was ashamed. I am ashamed. I've shamed you, myself, and my family.
Now I climb back up alone. As I climb I realize how much easier the
ladder would be to ascend if I had the support I had in you before I so callously tore that care of me from your heart. This "evil" is by far one of the most far reaching evils that exists. It knows no bounds, it has no enemy, yet it has no friends. It is totally indifferent to life itself. It actually serves no purpose whatsoever.
It is not an honorable foe, for it lies, it steals, and kills everything that comes before it. This evil ripped from me my love, my life, my friends, and my dignity. It stole from me all that I own. All that I love.
I know that all that I would have been and accomplished in the future would have been ripped from me along with my very breathing life had I continued to embrace it within any portion of my existence; no matter how small. It's true that I am so deeply sorry to you for what I made you live through, for I know that I've taken what we both love about us and trampled it underfoot leaving nothing but a broken dream in my wake.
I know you held on to that dream as long as you could. Your sanity screamed "go"!! But your love made you hang on till you felt the slipping in your fingers.
I'm so sorry Babydoll.
I find that what I've done is the most cruel thing I've ever done to another person, as well as to myself. BAR NONE!! It's because of this I think it's important for you to know that this is more of an apology to me by me, I think you needed to feel it also as I can relate it to you.
Maybe it's that I needed you to feel it as I can relate it to me. I don't know, but I invite and pray you will take this into your heart, if for no other reason on earth but to know that... I'M BACK, ITS ME!! Yes, the real me, and I love and appreciate you more than you'll ever know.
I thank the universe that the "evil" has long been gone from me now and that eradicating it from my life was as easy as simply deciding that I've had enough personal carnage.
Thank you Christy for hanging on as long as you could, for not giving up until you felt no other choice. Thank you, for trying.
I will always keep a kind mind for you. I will continue to wish upon us a second chance. We deserve it.