Emotions: A Play Off of M.J.
Let me start by saying how beautiful and important to me you are. Next I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. It's the last thing I would ever want to do. If you don't believe anything else, please believe that. Please know that I am sorry beyond any of the words I could ever express in type, text, pen, or voice.
Hurting someone you love and knowing that you are the one that caused the pain is more than unbearable.
Especially when that someone is the love of your life, of my life, my girlfriend, my best friend, my true love, my soulmate, my very breath, my EVERYTHING.
It's hard on me being apart from you like this. I used to think about you, and only this indescribable feeling of.. of... euphoric peace would come over me and a big foolish smile would come to my face.
Whenever I was nervous or anxious, I would think about you, fill my soul with that peace, smile like a fool, and calm down immediately. You were and ARE and ALWAYS will be my 'happy place'.
But now when I think of you, there is another feeling that sneaks in behind that peace, it steals my smile and just leaves the fool. Its this deep vast emptiness inside me, an overwhelming sadness that stretches clean to my core.
It is painful and carries with it a soul crushing heartache.
My foolish smile, my euphoric peace is no match for the ache and once the smile has gone the fool in me becomes infuriated at the loss of it all.
My brain is confused, all I feel is anger, it's stronger than sorrow, so I advance to a furious fool fueled by an angry mind.
I am ashamed I am even attempting to explain, as if any reason would ever be reason enough...
I wish I could say that I never realized the implications of my actions or the damaging reach of my words and the effect they would have on you. On your heart.
But in that lies possibly the worst action of all, because I did. I did it still... I said it anyway.
I'm disgusted that I can say that of myself. Disappointment does that confession no justice. It is truly disconcerting at the least. A possible impairment, a character flaw.
What kind of person could knowingly choose their words, completely intending them to be weaponized, knowing how piercing they could be, and how hurtful they are, and inflict with them, intentional pain upon the one person that means the most in the world to them?
I can't feel the compassion, the patience, or even shame, all I can feel is the anger and the ache.
It starts off unintentional, so innocent to me, the words just roll off my tongue like beads of water on silk.
I never thought about how the snide remarks and the sideways comments I make sometimes, are passive aggressive behavior directed at you, when I'm sure you are wrestling with the same painful ache. But definitely not choosing to purposely inflict it upon us.
I never saw the abuse in my words or their intent.
The abuse and disrespect I was releasing on you, the betrayal I laid at your feet with simply my voice.
It ran deep in my soul when you said that you would have never agreed to be with me if you had known that I could speak to you in such a way.
Or that you were looking for a reason, that you felt like something had to have changed, because I never could have, never would have, spoken to you that way.
And, that you never would have imagined that I could ever speak to you in such a way. A completely unacceptable way. And you were right.
I would or could have NEVER spoken to you like I know I have. I don't know what changed but it's high time it changed back.
I do know that I've been doing this all my life and it's time for me to take responsibility for my actions and words.
It's time for me to admit that just because I'm in pain, does not make it OK to cause the people around me, the people I love, pain as well, just so I'm not suffering alone.
It's time for me to grow up. It's time for me to honor and respect the woman I love at ALL times, every day, in every way.
Those are two things that I DO NOT have the right to choose to give or not give to you based on my feelings, my emotions, or my mood.
I am ashamed and cannot believe that I ever treated you like they were.
I have to admit that these are pretty big revelations to me. This is a life changing moment.
What it took to get me here was when I realized that you were speaking of these things, my unacceptable and mean-spirited behavior in a tone only to be described as defeated. As if it were something you had come to terms with as being something you had to accept if you wanted to be with me.
Just a part of it, of loving me.
But it really got me when you told me that you weren't calling it abuse, but that there are times when you are afraid, afraid to speak to me, afraid to ask me questions, or share your feelings or tell me what you are thinking, because you don't want me to be mean to you, to say mean things to you, or scream and curse at you.
It was that fleeting moment, when you let it slip and I heard the deep, honest, and profound hurt in your voice.
Through the darkness I could just make out your face and I looked into your eyes and saw that I hurt your soul.
It crushed me. It destroyed me. The honesty of it all shocked me.
The pureness of the moment took my breath away and all of my words and actions towards you came rushing through my mind and tears filled my eyes and streamed down my cheeks.
How? How could I let this happen?
NO, not how could I let this happen, like it was something I just stepped aside and casually watched take place. How could I DO this to you? Because I DID this.
I didn't let it happen, I made it happen.
You've told me before how I've hurt your feelings, I'd listen, apologize and we would move on. But I never really understood what it meant. I viewed it as casually as my words. I understood it in my mind but not emotionally.
Now I do.
Your voice, eyes, your sincere, honest, heartbreaking words made it clear to me last night. I have no excuses, only shame for hurting you, for betraying you. Your love. Your trust.
So here I am in front of you, asking... no, begging for your forgiveness and promising you the most important promise I've ever made you. That the hurtful words and disgraceful behavior are over.
You will no longer suffer my emotional abuse. That's what it is, abuse, and you will never have to fear my reactions or words, my anger or mental and emotional wrath.
Thank you for standing by me, for having faith in me, in our love. Thank you for your acceptance and patience. Thank you for staying.
Don't you EVER, EVER let anyone EVER treat you that way again. I don't care if it is me. I don't care who it is.
You deserve better than that. You are worth more than that. You should mean more than that. Do NOT accept that kind of treatment from anyone. Demand better. Expect better. You can do better. Don't EVER doubt or forget that.
I hope you'll continue to have faith in me and let me prove myself to you, so that when I think of you, that euphoric peace will come over me and a big foolish smile will come over my face again.
I love you more than anything and everything, forever and for always, I have loved you from the first moment I saw you, I love you still, and I will love you for the rest of my life.
With the deepest, truest, most sincere words I have ever spoken, I am Sorry My Love, from the farthest reaches of my heart to the deepest recesses of my soul.
I AM SORRY MY LOVE.
Please Forgive Me.