I do not know if you ever forgave me. I am uncertain if you will ever let me know if you even could. I have not seen you for 3 years.
Fitting it is that I am casting out a letter into this sea hoping it reaches you. That is a just reward for what I did to you. I do not even deserve to have hope that I would lay eyes upon you in this life again. Such is the cost for breaking you heart.
I gave to you the illusion of love and then ripped it away. I was cruel, blind, selfish and cold where you were warm, kind, and honest. I took the love you gave me, I held it, I twisted it and then wasted it. I am the embodiment of regret. A picture painted with sorrow and remorse.
Perhaps we are all meant to have that one great regret in our lives. It could be that loss is what defines living and loving. If so I wish of all people that you were spared that pain. A pain I delivered to you willfully. I knew I was hurting you when I looked into your eyes.
I hesitated when I did it. Did you see? Do you remember?
I ache, still. I wake each day and I hurt. I hurt for losing you and I suffer in knowing that I can never change what is done. And ever will I carry this bitter truth in my heart. This longing to put right what I have done but knowing I never can.
So many things would have been different if only I had realized what I was doing and how it hurt those who loved me, you most of all.
I am a different person now. I have molded these things that defined what I was into something new. I am not the person who hurt you anymore but I am not the person you loved back then either. I am painted by loss and tragedies born of the choice I made that day when I last saw you. I cannot change the past only embrace it.
Lisa, I hope you are loved, I hope you are joyful.