Dear Sam, You deserve more than a letter, but I know that a face to face is out of the question. Given the chance I would.
I want to apologize for last Monday evening and what I subjected you to from January to April, and occasions thereafter. I'm so ashamed and repulsed at myself.
I want to, from the bottom of my heart apologize for the vile way I spoke to you, and for neglecting your feelings and opinions. I'm not sure when the grief hit me, but I thought I'd be able to handle it well, and, I thought I was. But it came over me harder than I thought, and, even wanted to admit at the time.
During this time I do know I caused you the most heartache, hurt and pain, and at one point, fear. That in itself embarrasses me to no end. I wasn't totally aware of it until I started losing you, by which time it was too late. The damage had been done.
My incessant arguing, assuming, assumptions, over talking, becoming ultra defensive at silly things were, at times, pathetic, embarrassing even. I'm so ashamed I acted that way and even more embarrassed I treated you like that, like an abuser, a manipulator. How could I treat someone who was helping me in that way, someone I care for so much.
Having spent some serious time talking to professional people regarding things, I have been able to do some serious reflecting and been able to see past my nose that my problem wasn't the only one that mattered. Those few months of the person you experienced were not me at all, I have never dealt with this before and I dealt with it very badly. There were 2 of us. I deflected how I was treating you, I used my grief as an excuse and a reason, and even though it was the reason, I should have known more about me to take responsibility and the duty to do something about it rather than continually take it out on you.
I should have never put your feelings
second best to mine. EVER. I never took your feelings into real consideration during that time. The grief turned me into someone, or something I couldn't even recognize, and I didn't want to acknowledge that, no matter how many times you said, or I made you cry because of it.
All you were doing was being assertive, and all I was doing was responding with me, me, me. Brushing aside your needs as I thought mine were more important. I wish I had, during that time,seen what I was doing to you, to this day I'll regret it.
I wish I could take this all back, the pain, the sadness, but I can't. What I can do, is from the bottom of my heart give you this apology, with the clarity and responsibility that you have been owed for a long time.
You gave me chance after chance, and I thought knowingly, or unknowingly because of my grieving I'd get a more leeway, but I didn't and took advantage of you. Should a chance ever be there, I can make this promise that I 'd never treat you this way, or anyone else like this again. You deserve so much more than I gave you during those 4 dark months. I'm ashamed I really am.
We have created some fantastic memories. Sadly, some of the bad times cast a shadow over those. I hope I can gain your trust again to remove those shadows and gain it enough to want to continue making more memories.
I am truly, and sincerely sorry Sammie. If there is anything I can do in this world to make it up, I will, without hesitation or question. You owe me nothing, it is I that owes you, and I can start by giving a lifetime of head massages.
I want to take this chance to apologize for 4 very key dates and arguments caused by me. The Shard, Valentines Day, your Birthday meal, and the burritos we never had. I, if possible would love the chance to make these back up to ...