I Am So Very Sorry My Love
Dear Jason... Words cannot express the amount of regret and sadness I have toward the way I had taken you for granted and blinded myself from experiencing every wonderful moment your beautiful soul had to offer me. My fears temporarily conquered my thoughts and weighed down my heart, convincing me that the love we had was much too good to be true. I always held myself back - hoping for the best, but keeping my eye on the back door.
Years before I met you, I had prayed so much that I would meet the man of my dreams and know he was my soul-mate. I prayed he would be strong-willed, moral, thoughtful, God-fearing, gentle - yet strong when needed, and a man who had a desire to love and be loved. Upon meeting you, I discovered you possessed all of these traits and even more than I ever dreamt I had a right to ask for in a man. I have never met a man or person with a special sparkle in their eye - I get lost so deeply in them - I feel as though my soul is at ease and where it belongs.
You're so intelligent, passionate, loving, hard-working, and dedicated to the truth in a world where the truth is often discarded, bent, or altogether ignored. Even though your incessant pursuit for truth ended up causing me to lose you, I admire you for finding it. There is nothing wrong with you or what you did - I was wrong in so many ways during the course of our relationship - mostly to protect us because I couldn't trust that you were who you truly are. But, you were true and right all along - you know you always were.
My heart and soul has been burning as I can't even look at myself without overwhelming feelings of shame and grief. I cannot believe out of all people, I would be the one realizing how gravely I screwed up the only important thing that ultimately matters in life - true love. I cannot believe how blind I was and how much I hurt you - I feel like there's a special place in hell for me every time I see and intuitively feel the pain I put you through. There is little peace when you fall asleep next to me - I tried so hard to comfort you knowing that you are suffering so much because of me, but I can still feel you hurting. Whenever you are gone, I clutch your shirt like a child, crying while paralyzed with fear, self-disgust, and humiliation.
Even as the days go by, my conscience berates me with no sign of letting up - and it's well-deserved. I pray every day and every night that all your pain will be transferred onto me so you can be happy - the sparkle in your eyes which makes me melt to return - you are perfect. You might laugh when I say you are a treasure, but you truly are - you are a gift to the world - the greatest gift I
have ever received.
You made me feel beautiful and capable. I've never felt this way... your love made me feel as though I could heal from such a broken past, and have a flawless future with the man I love and our babies. You were the first person who truly made me believe I was a worthwhile person - even with all of my flaws that I tried so much to hide. It's such a crime that I never truly let myself see this truth until now.
Since you left me, I have not been able to leave my bed - your scent lingers so strongly - a constant reminder of the wonderful memories we had - Everything from when we tried to make a baby to when you moved in. Your living with me, despite how short it was, was the happiest I had ever been. Walking into the empty apartment made me fall to my knees, realizing that everything I feared came true - the love of my life was gone - in an instant. Even when you returned and gave me another chance so long as I told you the truth, my fear of losing you again forever consumed me as I selfishly gave into it.
I knew right then and there, you are a treasure - there is NO ONE in the UNIVERSE who could come close to being you. NO ONE. It was this fear which convinced me to hide as much of my disgraceful past from you. I felt as if I had EVERYTHING to lose if you left me. And yes, I unfortunately, was right. I lost my world, the ideal future.
Please don't discredit yourself by thinking that this loss was less than I am making it out to be. I feel it in my heart and soul and each day, it's just more of the same. I cannot even think about anyone else taking your place, and the fact that I will have to settle for that or live alone is what convinces me that I will never marry. Even though you feel you cannot love me the way in which you used to, I will accept this, but always wait - whether it is one week or fifty years. No one has ever touched my life like you and I could not take the chance of adding more baggage if in the future, God brings us together.
I have prayed at every chance I get, and believe me, there is very little to do other than pray when you are laying in your bed and staring at the ceiling hating yourself for the way you were. I have prayed that, for your sake, I could lose all hope and move on. I have prayed to steal your pain so you could be happy. I have prayed for forgiveness.
I have prayed for nearly everything under the sun which would make things easier for you since there is no comfort in the silence and loss of such a great man. I have yet to feel relief unless you are here which makes me truly believe that no matter who you marry in the future or what you do - good or bad - I will always be here waiting for my opportunity and chance to make you realize what a priceless gift you are to the world. I will never, ever, ever, take you for granted again. I have changed dramatically because of God and you - with each day, I am becoming a better person. I will never forget the harm I caused you...it's like one of my favorite Death Cab lyrics: "The gift of memory's an awful curse...with age it just gets much worse" - it serves a purpose so I will never repeat the mistakes again.
Even if I have to wait until I see heaven to see you again, I will. You are my angel, I just wish you will
someday, see that everything in this letter I write to you is the truth.
I know you just want me to be happy and move on - every single person has been telling me to give up on you. Everyone who knows me and how I usually act in relationships is shocked by how I am dealing with this grief. Everyone wants me to blame you, at least partially, but I know (as I always correct them) that I screwed up.
I will never forgive myself for lying to you and not trusting that what you were telling me was true. If by the grace of God you would ever give me another chance some day, you would see how you and He have changed me for the better, and that despite all the pain, it was worth enduring because I am the woman of your dreams. I know that this right now seems too unrealistic, but I want you to know, however long it takes I promise you and God that I will never lose sight of where I was and who I am now again. I know this means very little, however I hope that you will keep this letter of apology and my offer to you in mind for someday.
I would give you open access to everything in my life - no more hiding anything from you - ever. Most importantly, I would always take care of you - I never want to see your hurting ever, ever again by anyone, especially me. It's a lot to promise, but it is easy for me now that I have changed all of my priorities - I'm ready to truly live a life for Christ.
I'm going to go to church and talk routinely with a pastor so I can never fall again - this is a promise I'll make to myself and you regardless if we ever reunite. I just want you to know that if you ever find the willingness to try again, I have been working on being the perfect woman for YOU.
I love you so much Jason, you are my world and always will be. I will wait a lifetime if it means in the end, we will be reunited. You are worth that and so much more.