When you write a romantic poem, or sing a song about love, it's a well known fact that if you can think of someone, dedicate it to them, it comes out with a lot more power than if it was done without any personal feeling behind it.
Being broken, I constantly surround myself with music, art, and poetry that reflects this. My mind continuously thinks about how I want you back, how every moment without you seems to hurt more and more even though I didn't think that was humanly possible. I still want you, I still need you.
I was a fool to think you'd come back to me. How could I think that if you wanted me, you'd come back. I know you know how much I need you. I say it all the time. I show it by not hanging myself, something that's very tempting, by bettering myself even if you're not by my side. I only figured it out, maybe you wanted to me to chase after you. I thought it would annoy you, that you'd ignore me and label me the "crazy stalker ex". Well, I should have taken the chance. Why is it the one time I didn't listen to my heart screaming "GO AFTER HIM!", was the one time it was right?
I know I've said this before. I should have been chasing you, I should have been trying to prove that you were all that mattered to me. I should have said everything that I wanted to, but was too afraid to say it. I should have let you know everything dealing with us. I should have tried to convince you, and mostly myself, that our love was all we'd ever need.
We fell in love once, why can't we fall in love again? That connection is still there. It's always going to be there. It's primal in every way, built into our genetic coding. We crave each other in ways people dream of.
You've read my journal, and seen how when I write about you, about us, it sounds like something out of some teenage novel. I can't help it. You make me feel like that. I understand all those songs about young love, because I feel that and so much more for you. It's like a combination of a first love, as well as a love that's meant to last through the ages.
People break up, and they try to be friends. Sometimes, they ignore each other and go on as if it never happened. I hope we're the couple who had some rough times, broke it off, but found out that life was meaningless without the other. You do something to me that's never been done before.
I know you've been gone for only a little over a month, but each moment feels as if it's a lifetime. I can't count how many times I've said that, written it, thought it. It's the truth, and it keeps going around and around in my head. I can't get over you, and I don't want to. I'm not going to give up any time soon. I'm too weak to do that.
I hate to say this, but I now understand the feeling Noah (The Notebook reference) felt when Abby had to leave, and when she didn't write back. I'm in the letter writing stage... Soon, I'll start obsessing over building a house in hopes you'll come back.... Okay, I won't go that far (I hope), but I fully understand it. I know why he wouldn't sell the house. He would lose the hope that she'd comeback. When hope is all you've got, you grasp onto it and refuse to let go. It becomes the rope hanging in the middle of an endless pit, and you're stuck holding onto it. Maybe if you hang on long enough, someone will come and save you.
When I first read the book, I thought it was sweet and romantic. I now understand how hard it is to move on from the one thing that makes your heart beat, and how no matter how hard you try, you just can't.
I thought hating you was the answer to being able to let go. I found out that I could never hate you, no matter how hard I tried. Yes, every word you said hurt, that was the point. But with every moment I spent on the phone listening, I slowly began to see that I can't hate you. I can't do anything else but love you. No matter what you say, what you do, or how you do it, I'm still going to love you.
Hearing about all the girls you're messing with, honestly made me jealous. It made me think of how we were in the beginning. I still crave your touch, I always have. I still crave your love, I always will.
I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you. I know I don't deserve you, and I never had. But I am getting better. I can stand on my own two feet now. I don't need someone to baby me when I'm breaking down.
Yes, I'd love to have someone hold me when I'm about to jump over the edge, but it's the thought of you that keeps me from jumping. I'm not afraid of heights anymore, but I am afraid of breaking that promise I made to you. It means so much to me because it's the one thing I know I can keep, no matter how much I want to break it.
You're still my reason to live. You're still my reason to want to be a better person. I still want to be able to look you in the eyes and whisper "I love you too". I still want to love you back. -A.