I Never Deserved You, I'm Sorry
Years ago, when I was attending college in Oregon I met the love of my life. It was freshman year and you and I met in chemistry lab. I was instantly taken by you but also, you were smart and beautiful, so what chance did I stand. Somehow the fates threw us together in the same work group and slowly we built our beginnings. Group work turned to homework and homework turned to studying for tests.
We got lunch together after lab every Friday because you couldn't stand to go more than a few hours without food, and I gladly tagged along no matter how little appetite I had.
Every little detail of who you were and where you had come from only served to further my interest in you and at the same time show me how out of reach you were. After all, you were a valedictorian, you spoke multiple languages, you were taking scuba and working on you pilot's license and came from a rich family.
I was none of those things, in fact I couldn't have been further from them and to seal my fate you had a new boyfriend.
I relegated myself to the friend zone although every moment with you made me feel like I was a newer, better version of myself. I would find reasons to see you and even push the limits of our platonic relationship, telling you that I hugged all of my female friends and holding hands while walking here or there was nothing to be taken seriously.
We had movie nights and a few times they were accompanied by a little too much wine, but that never lead anywhere other than a drunken walk home across campus back to my lonely room at the frat.
Eventually the term ended and so did our chemistry class, but I made sure we stayed in touch and saw each other because by now I needed you.
I needed your smile and your horrible awkward jokes that made me laugh more than I thought I was capable of. One night while watching TV in my bed I asked you to leave, not because I wanted you to go, but because I wanted so desperately for you to stay, and when you asked why, that's exactly what I told you.
My secret was out, for better or worse I needed you to know that I was falling for you and that every second together was the sweetest agony I had ever known.
Somehow it worked out in my favor and you left your boyfriend and I found you at my side for the next three years. Over that time I lost the sense of dazzle I once had as it faded to comfort and then from comfort to ambivalence.
I forgot what I had. I forgot how happy I was. I lost sight of everything and one day I lost you.
This is my way of saying that I finally understand that it was me. I need to thank you for staying so much longer than you should have. For putting my needs before your own. For tolerating me when I was intolerable.
I always loved and and I still do, and I'm so sorry for not showing you.
I hope you find this one day. I want you to know that you're free from any blame. I want you to be happy above everything else.
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