I Quite Miss Home
(Climbing Our Tower)
Where to start and what to say has always been the hardest part of things like this. Do I start from the part where I regret everything or the part where I'm hurt that everything even got to this point? Do I tell you I need you & I love you, or that I'm really sorry & I won't stick around any longer? I don't know. But what I do know is, everything is a mess right now.
I'm at a point where I feel I'm at the end of my road & during this time I haven't done anything to show you just how much you have meant to me.
How you just came into my life and changed everything. Removing all the negativity, sadness, doubt, dismay, pain, loss, hurt, emptiness, fear, misunderstanding, hate.
I wish that instead of being so much of a mess, mistake & problem, I just filled your life with joy & goodness the same way you did mine.
I wish I was there for you when you were going through everything you were going through.
I wish I held your hand & told you everything was going to be okay. I wish I told you I missed you when you needed to hear it.
I wish I listened when you really needed it.
I wish I supported you when you really needed it. I wish I gave you help & advice when you really needed it. I wish I told you I love you more times than I ever did.
I wish I never hurt you by forgetting everything, by forgetting you, and letting my pain & depression eat me up. I wish I took away all your problems instead of just talking about it all the time.
I know how much you hate words over action.
I forget that you remind me so much of myself. That was after all the reason we got together & I ended up falling in love with you.
It all started when you told me you loved milk just as much as I do, who would've known you'd catch me at that.
And all I ever did was break your heart & disregard everything good you've ever been. All because of my own doubt, insecurities, trauma, hate and despair.
I'm sorry I always find a way of ruining every good thing we've ever had.
I forget how you've always been so scared of losing me, I'm sorry. I forget how much you sacrifice so many things to make me feel accepted, I'm sorry.
I forget how much you try everyday to always make me feel remembered, I'm sorry. I forget how happy you made me during the worst time of my life, I'm sorry.
I forget how much you helped me feel alive again when I was ready to give up everything, I'm sorry. I forget all the plans we made together, I'm sorry.
I forget how you always did things out of your comfort zone to make me happy, I'm sorry. I forget just how much you make me laugh by being silly & playful, I'm sorry.
I forget how every time you lay your eyes on me it feels like I have everything I could ever need, I'm sorry. I forget just how much you let me know you love me every single day since the beginning, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I broke you. I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry I made you feel bad. I'm sorry I didn't trust you.
I'm sorry I put so much more weight on your shoulders. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry I didn't live up to all my many words.
I'm sorry I got angry at you over things that weren't your fault. I'm sorry I left you behind when I was supposed to take you with me.
I'm sorry I didn't love you as hard as I should have all those many times.
I'm sorry I wasn't the guy who gave you all the things you deserve. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry I stopped making you happy. I'm sorry I stopped trusting you.
I'm sorry I stopped breaking down my walls. I'm sorry I stopped cheering you up every time you were down. I'm sorry I always doubted how much you love me.
I'm sorry I stopped asking you how your day went. I'm sorry I stopped asking if you've had anything to eat. I'm sorry I stopped motivating you when you felt low.
I'm sorry I didn't realise just how much you opened up to me.
I'm sorry I stopped yearning to want to see you. I'm sorry I forgot you were the only person with me, by my side, choosing me. I'm sorry...
You mean the world to me Cherry, and I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I broke your heart, & above all, I'm sorry I forgot where home was, and I quite miss it.