Where do I even begin?...I met you online a year ago around this time. So much has changed in the last year; especially me moving all the way to NC from WA.
When I met you I thought you were just another person I would talk to on the internet because I was bored. You lived across the country from me. Never thought I would ever see someone that lived that far...but you became more than just some guy from hot or not; you became someone I went to when I felt like I had nobody else to talk to... you became the only person that would hear me out; that would listen to me just cry or not say anything. You became my best friend. You became my everything.
After I pushed you away, you came back and still wanted me to move to NC and after months of talking about it and figuring everything out we finally picked a date, April 27th, 2016.
I knew that someday I would fall in love with you because I already cared so much for you before I ever really met you. Finally I moved here and I remember the first time I drove up to that house and saw you standing on the porch, it was like a dream.
All I could remember were your eyes; how blue they were. How handsome I thought you were. I replay that in my head so many times. I know you are reading this and thinking this is all bullshit....because of what I have done to you but my feelings have ALWAYS been real.
I fu***d up and I could never say I'm sorry enough. I could never fight for you enough. All I can do now is love you and show you that, that is not who I am. That is not who I want to be. I would never blame you for never forgiving me but if we ever want to make this work again you are going to have to try.
I have tried so hard the last week or so to try and make this better but I know that nothing I do or say can make this go away...I love you and I hate myself for even allowing myself to do the things I have done.
I do not have the
answers that you want to hear but I did not do this to break your heart, or to hurt you in anyway. The way I saw you cry tore me into pieces. I wish I could just go back in time and change everything...but I can't.
We want a family. I want a family with you. I want my baby to have your eyes and your humor. I want my son to have your courage and your strength. I want my daughter to have a father that will protect and love her as much as you did me.
I want to walk down an aisle and say I do, and kiss you. I know the things that I want don't matter anymore but I need you to know that I am here. That I am NOT going anywhere but here by your side. I am going to fight for you until I can't anymore.
I don't want to give up but every day that passes by I feel like you are drifting away. I hate that you look at me like you hate me but at the same time I hate that you look at me like you love me.
I need you way more than I ever thought I would ever need anyone. You push me, you make me do the things that I need to get done ans you support me in my goals and dreams. You want what's best for me. You are good for me and that's why I can't even believe that I did this.
I never thought you would really love me. I never thought you would ever say "I love you krea"... but you did and I had already done the worst thing I could ever do...you are the man that I want to spend my life with no matter how hard it will ever be. Love has flaws, it has it's doubts and tough times. And maybe, just maybe we can move on from this.
All I want is for you to be happy; for you to have everything you ever wanted.. and if that happiness doesn't involve me anymore, then I will go and leave you alone. But please just remember that I will always be here, I will always love you and I will always be sorry for what I have done. ♥