I Wish I Had It To Do Over Again
Dear John... There is SO much to say. I was so selfish and clueless, I took you for granted. I look back at photos and I can see the change in you, you must have been getting sick and I saw you every day and didn't even recognize it.
I was grieving the loss of the girls, and didn't know I was grieving. You were too, and I don't think either of us realized it.
We should have sought out one another for comfort, but we retreated into our own realities. We should have gotten help from somebody, and I shouldn't have listened to other people at ALL.
Then I tried to pursue my plans, and was too blind to see the situation had changed, and you would need me to step up. I was mean & dismissive & you were hurting too. When you called me I should have come immediately. My denial wasn't what you needed.
I FAILED YOU, MY BEST FRIEND.
I should never ever have let you go in and out of all those places. I believed they would help you get better. I didn't think I could do what they could. They treated you badly. Instead of fighting with them, I should have trusted myself, brought you home & just lived a day at a time.
I'm sorry I pushed you so hard, I just wanted things to magically get better. You were tired, I was wrong. After awhile, I became as mean and cold & thoughtless as them.
Even worse, because you're the love of my life. I now understand that trying to FORCE things is wrong, in all cases.
Sometimes just sitting and holding someone's hand without trying to FIX things is the best love a person can show.
Please forgive me, I love you and will spend the rest of MY life here on earth trying to honor you and be a better person....perhaps someday I will get to hold you again, God willing.
Love you forever. DJ.