If Only There Was A Time Machine. I'm Sorry.

by Mitch
(UK)

Dearest Chloe... I don't know how to contact you because you won't speak to me in person, the people around you hate me for my actions and ultimately I messed up everything in my life that meant something to me. I said a lot of things last year, I made a lot of mistakes and in the end it was down to me being weak, alone, scared and hopeless...

I reached the end, I didn't know where else to turn and out of that panic and all this pain, I chose you to be the one to pick me up, but you weren't ready to be that person and I should never have put that kind of pressure on your shoulders.

For this, I'm truly sorry... I know I've said that word a thousand times but out of everyone in this life that I've hurt, offended or even screwed over, you are the only person I feel truly sorry to have hurt.

I know I'm an a**hole, I know I lost my temper, and I know I convinced you that I'd done some truly horrific things and hurt myself, and at the end of those days so long ago which meant the world to me, I attempted to end my life and just give up as I'm a loser, pathetic and had nothing in this life that I saw worthy to continue the misery I called life.

I get it... I understand why you hate me, I understand why you don't want me to be a part of your life because what I did to you is unforgivable... However even under these circumstances I've never stopped caring about you, wondering how you are, whether or not that beautiful face with a gigantic brain passed university with flying colours like I knew you always could.

Maybe we will never speak again, and this is why I've kept my distance from you because I truly believe this is what is best for you... It kills me slowly knowing that I had a chance with someone as amazing as you and I blew it... I didn't just blow it in the conventional sense, I went full disaster and smashed an asteroid into the Earth, it was that huge of a monumental f**k up and I regret those words, those actions and the outbursts of anger every second of every waking day.

After I messed everything up, I lost my friends, I lost my home and I also lost the respect of so many others by being the one thing I was trying so hard not to be. I tried to end it all again because I found out what people thought, what was being said and also how everyone I considered "close to me" ended up despising me.

My actions not only hurt you, but so many others around me and for that I can never apologise or make it right, I just wish I knew how I could even begin making this all up to you.

Since that day where everything came to a cataclysmic end, I found myself. I found a purpose in this life and I found a reason to keep on fighting, I went out, fought hard and finally I've made something of this life.

I'm not hopeless, weak, alone and ready to give up, instead I'm strong, determined and ready to face anything life throws at me! You're thinking, "why do I even care!?" And the reason for me telling you this, is because it all began with you.

It's because of you I decided not to give up.
It's because of you that I am trying to be a better person.
It's because of you that I decided to get off my lazy no good ass and actually try to be something in this life.
And ultimately, it's because of you that I found the courage and strength needed to push myself to be successful in this life...

You may still believe that I'm weak, I'm doing this out of desperation, but truth is I don't need you in my life anymore. I don't need to speak to you and pour my heart out about how special you are, how special you made me feel, because I don't see how I can even make a dent in the monumental task ahead of me in repairing the friendship we had, and it's for this reason I don't need you here with me anymore.

So yes, I've gone from ashes and dust to actually giving a damn, and all of that started with you. So if I don't need you in my life, what's the point in all of this text? Why bother trying to make amends when clearly I have no hope in achieving your friendship again, let alone actually having you on my arm.

Well here's why I had to give it one last shot;

You make me smile.
Talking to you gave me peace and made me happy.
I miss all your little quirks, tantrums, laughing fits and being there to tell you everything will be okay.
I miss your smile.
I miss the way you used to call me an idiot because I was trying to impress you and failing miserably at every corner.

I miss you!

As much as I want to be a part of your life again, I know it'll never come to fruition, but what I want more than anything on this Earth is to see you happy.

You were wrong, because I'll never forget you, I'll never replace you and I'll never forgive myself for the heinous acts I committed. One thing is for certain though, and that's that you deserve a great life. You deserve to be happy and you deserve every amazing thing that happens to you from this day forward, until the end of time.

I'll always miss you, I'll always be here for you because I wouldn't be the man I am today if it wasn't for you, and that man is there to offer a helping hand to anyone who has lost their way of the path of life.

I don't blame you, I don't hate you and truth is I never will despite what you do and say about me. Hell you can laugh about this with everyone at Home Bargains, I really couldn't care less about that, because I'm strong and that's all because of you.

You taught me how to be a man the world wants and helped to get rid of that pathetic worm who did nothing but cause pain to those around him. Thank you.

Promise me you'll lead an amazing life, and I promise I will never give up again and live my life as a testament to the one true angel still left on this planet, Miss Chloe R.

Goodbye you sweet and innocent princess, I wish you all the best in this life and I know you'll achieve great things in this life. Thank you for everything! You truly are something amazing x