I'm so sorry if I leave you hanging

by The one that got away
(Manila)

Dear Paul... We're still together now but I'm thinking of breaking up with you. I have a lot of issues and it seems that you don't care anymore. I don't know if you still love me the way you did when we were just starting our relationship and it hurts me a lot knowing that we couldn't be like that again.

I'm writing this letter for you to know how sorry I am for everything that I've done wrong and for everything that I haven't.

We were at the peak of our relationship but suddenly I felt scared. Scared of the future, I guess. Scared of the unknowns. Getting drowned with the what if's. Afraid to have a failed relationship again.

I wanted everything to be planned. I wanted to make plans for the future with you. We don't call them dreams because we both know that in the near future, 5 years from now maybe, we would be starting to make a family and starting our plans.

At first, you were excited too, to know what I thought is the best for us. But as time went by, I noticed you're always saying that "we don't know what will happen next". I just shrug and let the topic change but deep deep inside, I'm thinking that you don't want to be with me anymore. Every time I tried to bring the topic of future plans back, you refuse to listen. Seems like you're not interested anymore.

Everything has changed. The way you look at me. The way you say my name. The way you act every time we're together. It's so not you anymore.

When we broke up, I was in a deep misery but you seemed cool with that. After a few days of convincing you of us getting back together, you agreed. Finally. We tried to work things out but I'm really saddened by the fact that you can go on to have a life without me. You never even chased after me.

Now we find ourselves a few months later and here I am ready to break up with you because I can't see my importance anymore.

I'm so sorry Hon for those petty arguments. I'm sorry if I will ditch our plans. I'm sorry if I won't be able to wish you a Happy Birthday this year by making a graham cake. I'm sorry if I would just remember our day as one of the pay days. I'm so sorry if I won't be able to wish you a Merry Christmas and be with you on every New Year's countdown.

Actually, you should be thankful for this because you don't have to hear my annoying voice every time I try to sing. You don't have to scratch my back every time I have my menstrual cramps. You'll finally be able to watch your favorite team every time they have a game because you no longer have to fetch me.

I'll definitely miss you. You take care Hon. I still love you but I don't think this is the right time for us because I'm still having doubts.

I'm really sorry again. :'(

PS. Just say you want me to marry you and surely, I'll have my doubts erased.