I'm Sorry, A Letter of Love that will Never Fade
My Darling Jason... I have sent this letter several times. There are letters posted in several apology forums, etc but need to actually send it to you in order to truly get the message to you and start healing myself. I have no words to express how sorry I am to have repeatedly hurt you. I know this sounds unrealistic but I truly never meant to hurt you ever. I wanted us forever.
This apology does not come easy as I don't want you to take it lightly or feel I'm trying to win your love back. This is not intended to hurt you all over or shatter your world (not that it will and I am not trying to sound arrogant). I am sending this as an apology letter.
I have tried so hard to move on from us. I moved 1500 miles away. Started a new life, and still to this day you are so very prominent in my life, as you are in my thoughts daily and constant. I'm so tormented by my actions and decision that I went back to counseling and I have discovered that I never stop learning about who I am, why I do the things I do and how I seem to sabotage everything that has ever been good in my life out of fear.
I was so very scared, not only scared of your honesty and what you had shared with me but scared that what we had was too good to be true. I didn't feel I deserved to be loved the way you loved me, I still feel that way. I have never had a love like yours and never really felt that such a love was real, to me a love like ours only exists in fairly-tales (at least in my mind we had a crazy kind of love) I love(d) you like I have never known was possible.
I can honestly say that and really know it's the truth as it is still as real to me today as it was then.
Counseling has really provoked a lot of soul searching and regrets, been a true eye opener to the interior or what was really going on within me. I am truly for the first time understanding what has made me tick in the past and how to handle things in the future. I may have made a life for myself prior to you but I was not at all prepared for true love or the wave of emotions that it can provoke.
I had overcome a lot of obstacles and had a thought out, laid out plan but my heart was not prepared for what happened when I met love, love within you. For that I am truly sorry and I wish I could somehow make the word SORRY be filled with so much more meaning.
I had to take the opportunity to truly apologize to you as life is so short and we never know what the future truly holds nor if tomorrow will come. I could not let one more day go by without apologizing because it is literally eating at me daily.
When I look back on how I handled everything I am sick to my stomach. I am devastated that I could treat the love of my life the way I treated you. All these years later and I still consider you the love of my life. Every morning I wake up totally grief stricken. I actually don't sleep and haven't slept since my decision all those years ago. I am heart broken and angry that I could be so stupid and selfish.
I had everything a girl could ever want or need in you. I have never felt so in love with anyone and no one has ever made me feel the way that you do. You made me feel beautiful, wanted, smart, accepted, like I could conquer the world.
I felt there was nothing I couldn't do when you were by my side. You made me smile like I hadn't smiled in years. You were so loving and kind with my children. I've never had that with any man.
I thought in time the pain of my decision would fade away and I would be able to move on and the memory would fade. That has yet to happen. I see you of FB through mutual friends and break down crying, I wake up thinking about you, go to sleep thinking about you… I think of you every single day, throughout every single day.
I thought the relationship I was in would suffice as that is what I deserved and what I could handle. He was not invested in me and my children like you were. He had no interest in being part of me, my children, my family and stupid as that sounds to me that was safe because I had nothing to lose if our relationship failed. If I lost you I had everything to lose and I was terrified of that and not sure I could have handled such a set-back.
I had made huge strides to create a life for my youngest son and I had also made huge strides in getting my older children back in my life and living with me. Looking back as I do daily and in counseling I see how all of this made me run further and faster and why I was very indecisive as it brought back so many memories of my past and everything I had worked so hard to overcome.
All the pain of being told I never deserved anyone let alone someone who loved me and my kids as their own. I let all of the past control my future and cloud my thinking.
I know I knew this and had stated most of this to you before, but I now realize the difference, the difference is I never truly believed. I felt I was making assumptions about my feelings, I didn't believe in myself or my decisions. I felt I needed friends to back me (they didn't on anything, they were so consumed in their own lives and I never really had anyone there for me when I really needed it).
I felt completely lost, afraid and alone. I had no faith in my decisions and I was told never to follow my heart again to go with my head as the heart was not a smart decision and will always lead you astray and into a bad decision.
It has taken years but I realize I don't need friends or families approval. I need my approval. I am the one that has to live with my decisions forever. Everyone else can walk away and most do. Friends come and go like seasons. It saddens me but I have learned that lesson.
I don't expect to hear back from you, I have pained you enough. I hope you understand that I needed to send this apology letter as I am having a hard time living with what I did to you. I should have taken the time and gotten the proper help to make a sound decision as I knew I was struggling with trusting myself. You did not deserve to be subjected to my insecurities.
I hope you have found an amazing love, someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated, loves you without a doubt and puts a smile on that sweet face of yours and truly deserves your love. I truly wish you nothing but happiness.
I am praying this brings me some peace, finally to be able to get this off my chest and actually know that I am understanding the why of my decision and I truly realize now how lucky I am to have had something that makes saying goodbye so hard!