I'm sorry I am constantly fighting everything. Right now, it feels like I am in a never-ending battle with myself.
All I want is to be the perfect girlfriend for you. You mean the world to me and the more I fall in love with you, the more I feel truly inadequate and guilty for allowing myself to be part of your life.
I am in no means good enough for you and it feels selfish of me to let you have feelings for me and give up your time and emotions just to deal with my unstable self. One second I feel so confident in myself that I can give you everything you want and the next moment I am literally unable to talk because I am filled with such guilt.
I am sorry I let you fall in love with me. For the longest time I believed (and was told) that no one would love me the way I really am...so I wasn't concerned when we started getting close. That night we were both a little drunk and you told me you felt it but were afraid to say it I was honestly beside myself (and still was later on the next day after I had sobered up).
I just didn't see how someone as special as you could have possibly messed up enough to somehow want to be with me. Anyways...we are having a difficult time right now. It's pretty obvious that I am not in a great place right now.
Sometimes I'm fine and I think I can get through the day without problem... but there are other times when I literally can't bring myself to move. It's so hard to explain what depression is to someone who has never experienced it before. But what I can tell you is that this time, it is so much scarier for me than I could have ever imagined.
I've experienced depression for quite some time now, but it was always just a lingering doom that I knew would pass eventually. But over the summer, I actually came to terms with the fact that I would kill myself. I'm pretty sure the both of us can agree that "quitter" is never a word that would come up in describing me, but that is truly what I became. I didn't want to fight any more.
The hours I wasn't at work over the summer I would spend in my bed. I didn't eat, didn't talk to anyone (other than the occasional text to my mom who threatened to call the police if I didn't respond because she was afraid I would do something stupid) and I would literally just lay in bed the entire time.
At one point, I couldn't even drive my car to work because I genuinely thought I was going to crash it. I cancelled a few of my trips home because I just couldn't do the car ride, never mind face my mom after being depressed.
You see, my mom believes that I'm the one choosing to be depressed and if it got bad enough, I would stop. If she finds out I'm depressed again, she will no doubt make me come home because of what happened over the summer.
Back to the point of why I am writing this. Well, actually I think I am far beyond the true point of why I wrote this. Anyway. I am scared. I am so incredibly afraid that I will go back to the way I was over summer.
The thing is that I have been so happy since we started hanging out that I convinced myself that everything that happened before was just a fluke, that I wasn't really sick. My diagnosis was just a representation of what I was in that moment. I thought the real me was who I was when I was with you because I had stopped my medication.
But I have been painfully forced to realize that you were serving as my meds during that time. And it truly pisses me off because I hate to romanticize this mental illness stuff but I really see the happiness you brought me as a buffer to reality.
So now we go back to a week ago when I start feeling so awfully numb to the world, including you. I didn't want to let you know what was happening because I couldn't believe that I was so stupid enough to believe I wasn't sick anymore. Like I f**king study this for a living and I was gullible just like all the other patients.
It has almost been a teaching moment for me to really be able to empathize with my clients who say they are "all better". But that's not something to discuss right now.
I hate myself for exposing you to all of this. You are such a genuine person who has dealt with too much shit in his life to have to be in love with someone like me. I have been pushing you away these past couple of days because I am so terrified you are going to leave me.
I know you say you won't and that you're not busy, but I have been through this before. Last time, it started with just not being able to talk to every one once in a while, and then it grew to literally never being able to talk. But it was actually that the want to talk wasn't there.
Excuses are easy to find. So even though I literally know that you are busy, I just see myself as being gullible enough to believe you so I tell myself to prepare for the worst. I don't want to talk to you because I don't want you to see how widely insecure I am that this isn't going to work out for you. And I know in doing so, I am making everything so much worse but I genuinely can't help it.
As much as I am compelled to pick at my skin and eyebrows until I am left with half eyebrow nubs, I am compelled to make you hate me so at least I am control of when you decide to love me. If I act out like this, I am able to exactly pinpoint when you decided you no longer wanted this. I know the reason why it didn't work out.
Even more-so, I guess I am sort of acting like a complete bitch so you will break up with me. I do not want you to see me spiral downhill. Because last time it got ugly. And maybe it was because I was completely alone that it got to the point it did, but I don't want you to be around when I decide I can't handle it anymore. Because I really don't want that to happen.
I love my life with you in it. I love you completely. But for some f**king reason my mind doesn't want to do this anymore. Or maybe it is the chemicals in my brain that aren't adjusted properly because I'm off the meds. Who knows, this isn't Lisa's class.
Anyways. I guess I am writing this to you so you understand, but if I were really trying to convince you to break up with me...I wouldn't be showing my cards like this.
To be honest, I don't know if I'm going to show this to you. IF I have decided to, then hello. Thanks for reading this far. At this point, I think this is more of like a release of all bullshit I have been holding in my head.
When we are in bed and I can't look at you or talk, I have so much to say but the words just won't come out. I look into your eyes and suddenly I know everything I need to. But this not knowing if you'll be here the next day or not is taking such a big toll on me. I'm afraid that if you have all that space, you will begin to like it and you'll no longer want to come back to me. I don't know. I guess we will see.
I truly just want the best for you, even if that means (and it probably does) not being with me. But I love you so much and I am so thankful that you have taught me that I am capable of loving again and that someone can love me.
I don't know how this is going to resolve itself, or if it will. If you're reading this, I guess I really hope you'll understand that I am simply just so scared to be around myself and in my own body. I just want to be in the protection of your arms at all times until I have to stop fighting myself.
So.... are you reading this?
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