I'm Sorry for Everything
I'm a bad person. Or am I? All I know is, I'm just as conflicted as all of you. Just as conflicted as all the people I have loved, will love and am not allowed to love. I'm not mad about an ex girlfriend. I'm not mad about my parents not loving me, or each other, or themselves, or pretending to love all of us, even if they do.
I'm sorry for what I let myself become increasingly, grudgingly. I'm sorry for the hatred and insecurities that spread unlike any virus ever known. I'm sorry to have caught it and sorry to have passed it on. I'm sorry for being an asshole where I should have stayed nice and I'm sorry for being too nice to too many assholes.
I'm sorry for pretending to love my life, I'm sorry for not trying to create reasons to love it but to find and nitpick reasons to hate it.
I'm sorry for how this has aged my parents beyond what worries they, with their own hectic lives can handle.
I didn't have a childhood. I robbed them of their endearing years. I'm sorry for being such an idiot, even if you weren't good communicators.
I'm sorry I stayed in villainous silence for so long. I just saw, once I was the problem child bad enough I no longer considered my own opinion valid.
I'm sorry that lead me to becoming this.
I know I'm just 19 years old. But I know I have created some barriers around me along with those that were already around me that I don't think I'll be able to cross anytime soon. I might even have burnt enough bridges without properly learning how to build them first.
I'm sorry, Ma. I'm sorry, Pa. I'm sorry, neighbor who I don't care about(you always pass me a smile but I always ignore it - maybe I'm just lost in myself).
I'm sorry for the hopes I've ruined.
I'm sorry for the decay I've caused instead of the growth I could have striven for.
I love you, Ma. I love you, Pa. Even if you think I'm a problem child. I don't have the guts to say this to your face and take your love afterwards, because I don't know how I'm going to get out of my own mess.
I'm sorry for hiding all of it, I'm sorry for my secret addictions, I'm sorry I let you down.
I'll take back in action what I cannot in words.
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