I'm The One Ya Hear About
by Karon K.
(Sterling Heights, Michigan)
I wouldn't call this a GREAT apology story, but it is important and needs to be heard. This is one for the record books!
It's embarrassing, humiliating, and shameful. I am only sharing my story so that hopefully, someone out there might read this, and think twice before doing what I did.
Let me start by saying I am a big girl. This is important because it has a lot to do with who I am. Big women are treated differently... those of you who shares this characteristic with me know exactly what I am talking about
But make no mistake about it, this is no excuse for deceiving people. We should always try and treat people the way we want to be treated, not the way we are treated.
OK, now for my story. I am one of those girls you hear about. one night, I entered a chat room, bored and looking for someone to talk to. There was a man there, the only other one there, so we struck up a conversation. That first day was amazing. He was smart, and funny, and very easy to talk to. We hit it off right away.
As the time passed and the more we talked, the more we felt for each other. I fell madly in love with this man. But I had made a choice, in the very beginning, that made it impossible for it really to go any further. When he asked that first day, if I had any pictures of myself, I chose to send him pictures that were not of myself.
I was so afraid by that point, of getting the same reaction that I always had before. You know the one, they either stop talking.... Block you... or there are the real winners, who actually get really mean and nasty.
I had had enough of always being treated like a pariah, that I made the wrong choice. No matter how I felt or what I expected, there is no excuse for being so dishonest.
I know this is about apologies. I did write him an apology letter..... not for him, but for myself. If I was ever going to grow from this, and become a better person, I needed to take responsibility for what I had done. Here is my letter............
I know you don't want to hear from me right now, and after this, I will leave you alone for as long as you wish. Even if that means forever, I will respect your wishes, there are just some things i thought you should hear from me.
Joe, as I sit here thinking about my actions, I need to write this apology. I am incredibly embarrassed and ashamed of what I have done, more importantly of the embarrassment, and unequivocal hurt and sadness it has brought to you. It is so hard to think of the tremendous damage I have caused to break apart every good thing you were and said to me.
I am not a child and need to act like a grown woman. I am going to act like one and own what is mine. What I did was the dumbest and most selfish thing a person could do, and I will never do it again. These are my words, which probably don't mean much to you now, but I will show you. You will say you've heard this before, but I will prove it to you, even if it means we are not together. Any woman would be lucky to have you. You really are an amazing man!
You are more than I could have ever imagined, and I have been so stupid and hurtful. You were right before my eyes and I walked right through you, and on you. You don't deserve that, you deserve to be equally lifted and not brought down. I'm so sorry, so so sorry Joe.
Please don't misunderstand me. This is not about me, or what I want or wish for. This is all about you, and how I have hurt you. Yes it seems like I am asking for forgiveness when I don't deserve it, and way too soon for it, but those are not my motives. You deserve for me to own up to what I did, and that is what I am going to do, even if it kills me.
I know you don't trust me anymore, as you shouldn't, but I want you to know I am no longer lying to you. It's over. I know I never should have done it in the first place. I am so ashamed of myself. Please know that what was said to you was the truth. Yes I lied about my pictures, and that is horrible, but I never lied to you about who I am or how I felt. And you did like who I am. I'm sure you don't believe me and that's fine, there is no reason you should, I just thought i should say it.
I'm sure you have asked yourself why? You can imagine, based on the reaction you had and the look on your face when you saw my actual picture why i was afraid to show anyone what I look like. I am not trying to make excuses for myself, there is no excuse for deceiving you this way. However, I was right on what you'd think of me. The look on your face said it all.
I know you said that it is not about what I look like, and I do believe you because I know you are an honest man. But, I have received that same reaction so many times, that it's hard for me to imagine anyone taking the time to get to know me after seeing me.
That being said, it's still no excuse for being so hurtful, and I know that. I also know that I am not the kind of person I should be, honest and respectful, but I will try to be.
I have no right to ask you for anything, I know that, what I did is unforgivable, but if you ever feel that there is a chance you might be able to, please know that the last thing I would ever do in this lifetime is hurt you again. I don't know if that is ever possible now, but it is what I pray for.
That's my story. If telling it can make just one person think before they lie to anyone, then it was worth telling.