Dear Love... I'm writing this because I have no other way to communicate with you about the topic I'm about to dwell over. I've loved you for the longest time.
In case I ever made you wonder, you've been on my mind since I met you many years ago. I just tried to talk myself out of it, I tried to appreciate you instead of wanting to own you. You became my rock, my motivation, my inspiration without you knowing it.
Thus, it hurt even more to understand that I made you insecure with my behaviour.
Let me tell you - I never expected you to reciprocate even the slightest of feelings towards me. Maybe this was my issues of the past speaking, but I was truly not ready to accept someone's love at that moment in my life. I was too busy trying to sort things out via self-hatred and regret and thus destroying myself.
You helped me get through that though, so thank you.
Yet you caused me the most enormous amount of pain at the same time. So please, never even think for a moment that what I felt for you was mere infatuation or fleeting illusion. It has never been and is not, not even today. Only you I let close enough to be able to be destroyed by you.
I tried my best to show you how I wanted to be treated, all the while being in a pretty bad emotional state (caused by people I shouldn't have given that much power to), and not lose you. And it seems you interpreted it as me being unsure about you, not wanting you enough, you not being good enough, me closing off.
I never meant for that to happen and it took me a long time to let go of my pride and admit that misunderstanding to myself.
I am sorry it made you feel bad about it all, about me and maybe about yourself. You were always everything to me and I just tried to keep it to myself. I never felt entitled to have you. I wanted to let you live your life happily and with content.
You have always been wonderful in my eyes and all the "bad" stuff about you ... I've always been able to shrug that off surprisingly easily. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you or throw you into self-doubt.
If I can't ever have you, I want you to at least know that my feelings for you have always been there, they are real, alive and well-meaning. I never stopped caring for you and I've cried many times knowing that I drove you away.
And in turn, I had to take the pain you've been throwing in my direction. It hurt so much I couldn't breathe at times. I don't know if you've ever felt that intensely for me and I guess I'll never know. But I wish you knew just how deeply I feel for you.
So you know that you're loved.
I want you to know that I've always been here. I never ignored or hated you. I just dealt with things my own way. And I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought that if you love me, you'll give me time.
It seems that with the passing of time, you decided to let me go, to give me up. And I want to apologize for any possible lack of affection you felt from my side.
Maybe I just demanded too much from you. Maybe I never had the right to ask for anything. Now, I just want you to be happy.
I'm sorry if I destroyed a possible future together. I'm sorry if I trampled all over your efforts to get together with me. And I thank you for the beautiful memories and the friendship that still binds us in a way.
Thank you for having been there and for being in my life. And thank you for forcing me to put up boundaries.