Light of my life
(Across the ocean)
For E., she knows... You are the woman who made me smile when I forgot how to. I fell in love with your mind, that's what did it and also how you could affect me so deeply with your humour. Don't think I've ever enjoyed someone's humour before because it's so similar to mine as I recall.
You moved me so deeply, you made me feel again and something inside of me was flourishing, yet I fought it and tried to find my own unbeaten path in life. I wandered but you were always there, like I could feel your breath behind me. I thought about you every day, even when I wasn't somehow I still was.
The seeds of the rarest flower were planted deep within my heart without acknowledging it. All that time they've been in there and I've felt it bloom for the first time in my life the past two months. This is the best feeling in the world and I never felt anything like it..
It's more than a flower, it feels as if a whole forest in springtime came through within me. It's so lively and so reviving in a place no one can see but can only be felt by me.
This is coming from someone who knows he's damaged internally and externally would show nothing of it unless with that one woman I've been looking for a lifetime. But also someone with a heart that can't be corrupted and made devoid of intense passion unlimited.
I was so unknowing about life and it felt like I was much younger than I actually was. When I woke up out of that mystical experience that captured me in my youth, I found myself to be eighteen and escaped from a massive black hole that took away years with only faded memories remaining like looking at a picture of you and your family and seeing everyone torn out except yourself.
It was a force that had taken hold of me and cut me from life and put me in a place unfamiliar.
That is all behind me now and for years I was looking to find out what it meant. Why I had to go through all those years of torment in loveless-ness. Nobody could reach me, there was a wall between me and people who might have understood love. When that wall stands and as long as it is, nobody is going to find out about you. Thus it must be broken and used for freedom.
It's a metaphor for conquering what might have seemed like just a wall but realizing there never were any doors out. That loveless-ness has affected me to this day, and after a certain amount of disappointments in people who turned out to be unreliable to say the least, I opted for just not spending much more time with my peers, let alone women who sheepishly follow society and fear standing separate from the crowd because they need confirmation and acknowledgement to make sure that they really exist.
I have my own unbeaten path to walk upon and it's not a bright one but beyond the horizon I see a bright light shining, and that's my destination as I walk in a landscape with only dark grey clouds in the sky thunder and rain and I just keep walking toward that distant light knowing what I want. I never want to look down and miss a second from seeing that light shining through.
You're love's antiseptic for my wounded mind and the sanctuary for my tormented soul.
I listened as a lost unknowing teenager to society's formulas to love as dispensed by the culture and television shows invading your home space like some malignant force peering into your personal environment.
Instead of listening to my heart I used my mind and listened to the literal worthlessness the media made fine and approved to those who had no realization of something like your own heart.
Cold people are those who try to change the pure into the corrupted that erases any question of what pure is but gives those who want to live fast and die empty, and dead.
I didn't listen to the intrinsic values within me that were there for a long time but society at large tried to trick me into leaving them behind inside me and bury them somewhere which I didn't agree with.
I had always known I wanted to have one woman by my side and no other than her in a lifetime. I don't want other options when all I ever wanted was one woman to dedicate my life to and put my heart and soul into our interconnected bond.
A woman who would stand by me when it gets tough and I would pick her up when she got down. A mutual giving and an inner depth full commitment and unconditional love, mutual understanding and two open hearts.
That is what I always was looking for and always needed. Regardless of the current amoral grounds some of our peers may be sharing; I don't. I won't and I never will.
I know what love is and what it isn't.
I live for authenticity and love that is genuine and unconditional, fulfills me and unleashes the passion I've harbored for the one woman who I was meant to find and who would be the one for me. Only the passion romantic love unleashes, only the love which is the most potent and truest, that is the only love I live for and that is my love for you dear darling.
As a fledgling to love I already understood what it was and as I got older I came to discover what it wasn't observing other people's behaviours which were vile and absent of romantic love but instead brutal, ice-cold with no feeling. Inhuman and no warmth whatsoever. They might have been already dead.
I always imagined the ideal woman for me from a young age; She would be a princess with an elegant demeanor and a pale complexion. She would be inseparable from me and have all sort of eccentric ways in life that would make her who she is and incomparable to anyone else.
A female counterpart to myself and someone not too appropriate but a bringer of fun and happiness to myself. How to describe it, when I saw it I'd just know it was her.
That ideal, to go deeper in on it. She would be feminine and not a tomboy or a shape-shifting lesbian. She would walk the earth with a grace, a way of walking, like a goddess and she would want me close by when the streets get dark.
She would give off an inner pureness and be chaste but not prude. All her life she would have been looking for what I was looking for, perfectly exalted romantic love that takes us high and bounds us spiritually with our fingers gliding into each others hands and make it just feel perfectly fit.
That ideal image I am conscious of a lot longer than today and it contains a lot of my values when it comes to love. What I look for in a woman, though it's not exactly that ideal I would come to expect. There may be deviation but humanely so.
After all women are human too.
What is unmissable for me in a woman is deeply devoted trust and utmost sincerity. She would stand by me and would defend me as she would know I'm forever true to her and would always have her back covered no matter what. She would fight for our love with her life and with her whole heart, there would be no doubt about it as she would know love and hold onto it eternally as I would for her.
That is what I sought and sometimes you clash with that ideal and I don't know if you do but I presume it and it's the cause of sadness and slight disappointment. But I don't know if you do I just go and presume it from your signals.
I would like to get to know you on a deeper level and you come and explore myself if you can find your way in.
You're the hearth and fire I warm myself to on the coldest of days.
I am able to express what goes on inside me and it isn't tainted with cynicism and corruption like it is with plenty of people I could think of but prefer not to. My emotions are pure and not in battle with each other. They can be passionate and overwhelming as tidal waves yet they're never tangled and hindering.
The cynicism and corrupted thought toward what love is has plenty to do with how parents of our peers have failed in showing love but succeeded in undermining it through divorce and not being true.
That's where a lot of these inept people think of when they think of love. Of course there are other parents who did show it and their children were given the right example if it was true in the love between them.
So be careful not to be prone to your own preconceived notions projected by the unconscious.
What I want to say with all this, what it comes down to is that I'm offering you my apologies for standing firmly by my values and convictions that may be a bit intimidating in a society as it is today- referring to the united states- and adhering to it.
Knowing and being so sure of what you stand for, going against the tide like that. It can be frightening to anyone who has been leading a particular life without those values of mine.
So I'm sorry if it intimidated you in how sure I am of myself in love and what I stand for, I'm sorry for not being a superficial yes-man uncomfortable with his own masculinity. I'm also sorry being so authentic in my experience, the experience that is me. Sometimes too much authenticity can make some people uncomfortable in the presence of it, because they know nothing like it was to be found within themselves.
Very confronting. I've met plenty of those where they came from.
I'm also offering my apologies for not even having the slightest idea how to be a doormat to anyone. I was meant to lead, not to bow.
And lastly, I want to let your heart know I have no intention of hurting it nor would I ever be inconsiderate of it. For me it's a precious gem that won't be mistreated and only touched with genuine affection and love's eternal fire. I regret what I said and it's been paining me for days. I don't sleep anymore because of saying that foolishness. It was irrational and not heartfelt.
My apology to you about it however, is a heartfelt one only unmatched by the propelled passion fired from within with it's destination; lovestruck.
I regret, but not you.