I'm writing this message because I cannot live with the way I hurt you. I never thought I would ever tell you the truth or explain myself but every day it eats at me, yes every single day. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. You cross my mind every single day...
I chose not to tell you the truth about my decision as I knew you would never accept it. I was told I had 6 months at best and that scared the hell out of me. In that moment sitting in the Dr's office I knew exactly what I had to do even though it nearly killed me in doing so, no pun intended.
I was misdiagnosed in the beginning and that misdiagnosis caused many complications which almost took my life several times. I still had a battle but not as life threatening as the original diagnosis but the complications made it very life threatening.
I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you. I've lost the one man who I consider to be the true love of my life and it was because of a decision I made and it was not made lightly. I had to step outside the box and do what was right and fair.
I could not drag you nor your beautiful children through what I was about to endure. I fought for my life, literally. While fighting for my own life I fought for my children. They were finally at an age where they had say in their lives and I was not going to give up on them.
I could not ask you to go through what I knew I was about to endure, it was not fair and I was not going to destroy your life if things went awry. I was facing a life altering challenge but 2 years later I have to say I beat it and I still have my life.
After that experience and the fight for my children I decided to start making plans to move back to North Dakota. I beat what I should have never been able to and I had my children so I wanted a change of lifestyle and pace.
Every time I see you on FB commenting on something another posted I break into tears. Now all I can think about is how I broke your heart and if I tore your world apart there are no words to express how sorry I am.
These tears that run down my cheek are filled with sadness and hurt, because I loved and love you so much. You are the love of my life and I just needed you to know that. I always knew but somehow thought it would pass and I would be able to get over you but not the case.
I know after all these years that I will never be over you. I know that it will never work and that it's way in the past but I could not go another day without expressing how sorry I am.
I never intended to hurt you again. I was totally thrown into a tailspin when I received the news I did that day. I was in for a routine check-up. Life was good, I was moving in the direction I wanted aside from all my fears.
I felt at the time it was the best decision as I had no idea what the outcome would be or what future I even had left to live out with you. I loved you entirely way too much to put you through that type of pain. I wanted you to be happy and find someone you could spend the rest of your life with. I thought my life was over and I was going to focus on my kids and fighting for their rights before I could no longer.
The thought of you makes me smile, and I know our love was real.
I know that you didn't deserve to be hurt like that, and I know that you will find someone who will love you and treat you right, they will make you happy and that person won't hurt you like I did.
I love you with all my heart and always will. Please be happy and find your happiness!!!