My Apology Letter to Hilary
"What I've been wanting to say, please read" - HJK circa 2005. I want to be clear from the start. The only motives I have are the following: Selfishly, I want to unload a burden I have carried for far too long; Not so selfishly (or maybe a rationalization) if I still feel this, maybe every now and then a nagging question of "why" creeps in on you.
I doubt it—you were always the stronger one, whether you realized it or not."I don't know if you will ever come around and actually talk to me, so I will just send you an email and hope you read it. I just wanted to thank you for helping me to realize that life truly is worth living...."
- HJK circa 2005
Yep, I'm plagiarizing you. Promise just those two times.
I'm sorry I never contacted you earlier to help give you closure. I hope the reason for this becomes obvious as you read on. This is something I should have done so, so long ago.
There's been a few sleepless nights here as I mull things over in my mind—not exactly regret over what I did, but mainly, the HOW I did it and HOW I handled it...
There are some rather pathetic attempts at levity (I can be funny, honest!) that I left in here, but know that everything I wrote I truly meant. Even that bit about my jokes being pathetic.
I am so sorry for the way I ended things with you. You deserved so much more than I ever afforded you in the end. Many of the details are muddy in my mind—it has been so long (among other things), but many are as clear to me as they were then. I will do my best.
In the end, it was my own insecurities that destroyed our relationship. I was insecure and I was too weak and cowardly to even discuss these feelings with you then. I still have my flaws but at least I can own them these days.
I truly believed I was doing what was best for you—setting you free. My method was extremely cruel, and that is what I am so deeply sorry for.
At some point in college. I came to the conclusion that I was toxic for you. Not directly (I hope?) but indirectly.
I began to feel.... I still can't put words to it properly... I felt like a bottle of glue—fixing the small pieces of you my family chipped away (God, what a terrible analogy! I'm leaving it! Maybe it'll make you laugh at my stupidity.)
I was disgusted with myself.
Here I was watching the woman I loved being abused and I sat idly by, and yet, I benefited from it by getting to be the one who comforted you. Once I came to this realization I hated myself.
I couldn't be with you. I wouldn't allow it. I was too much of a coward to defend you, so I had no right to be with you, I didn't deserve you.
I'm sorry I was a coward—not only in regards to my family, but with my own feelings and insecurities. If I could have been honest with myself and you I probably could have spared a lot of pain.
I am so sorry that I left you in tears in the hallway
outside of... calculus? pre-calculus? (some damn math class that I failed of course!).
I turned my back on someone who deserved way more from me. I told myself it was for your own good.
I was in tears by the time I was out the door of whatever building that even was. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life (harder than quitting smoking! Yeah I really picked up that nasty habit for a long time...an attempt at levity).
I wanted so badly to comfort you—but I fought that urge for what I hope are obvious reasons—if it's not obvious, I was still deeply in love with you, and I would have tried to mend what I had deemed was a toxic relationship that you were better off not being in.
I'm sorry I never sat down with you and talked this through with you—things could have ended much more amicably I'm sure.
I do recall you saying you were going to end it with me regardless. I always wondered if that was true or not.
If it was true: I'm sorry I didn't let you do it on your terms. You would have handled things much better than I did, sure as hell couldn't have done it worse.
I'm sorry for the absolutely hateful things I said in my e-mails to you. I thought maybe if you hated me it would make it easier on both of us. I hope it did for you—it certainly did not for me.
I'm sorry that I never answered your calls.
I'm sorry I never even asked what accident you were in, or what happened in it, or if you were even ok.
I'm sorry I couldn't be a stronger person for you at that time in our lives, in many more ways than one.
I'm sorry all I responded to you was hostility and apathy. Some might even say down right hate. I am ashamed of the length I went to push you away and out of my life—but couldn't muster the strength to just be honest with you.
I'm sorry I blamed you, and turned your own insecurities against you and used them as my justification to you. That is probably the thing I am most ashamed of.
I lied to you and I weaponized your own insecurities against you to hide my own fears/insecurities.
I'm sorry I drowned your existence out of my life for 4 long years and can't even give you a better apology than this.
I'm sorry for a lot of things. Mainly I'm sorry I inflicted way more pain on you than you ever deserved.
On a happier note!
Thank you for teaching me what love really is.
It took me a long time to realize how much you truly had to have loved me to endure the things you did. I had never known anyone as strong and as selfless as you were for me. I am truly and eternally grateful for that gift.
Thank you so much for everything and all the good you did bring in to my life.
You hoped at one point you had touched my life and changed it for the better—I assure you that you did. If I'm absolutely blunt here: My life was sh*t before you.
If you ever want to talk I would be open to that.