Dear Val...I can’t say this to you in person because I have no idea where you are. I’ve looked for you over the years but never found you. I don’t know if you would hear me out even if I had found you.
This is not just something I need to say to you… it’s something I have to say to you. I’ve had this buried inside myself for decades and it’s long overdue for being said. I’m putting it out here for all to see hoping that maybe you’ll come across it someday.
I recently posted some old pictures on Facebook that I found in my attic. In the batch were some of you from when we were together. When I first posted them I didn’t think much about it, they were just some cool old pictures from back in the day.
However, I soon realized that the pictures of you had uncovered a wound that never healed. A deep wound too, the kind that rips at your soul. Tons of emotions and painful truths that I kept buried deep inside me for over 36 years have been pouring out and it hurts like hell. Oddly, it feels as if everything just happened yesterday. Funny how some old pictures can be such a catalyst.
I know this wound has never healed because I never actually accepted the fact that you were really gone forever nor have I ever owned up to the fact that it was my fault, and only my fault for the way things went. Trying to explain what was going on with me back then seems like a moot point now so I won’t even try.
Fact is, you did nothing wrong…you were living your life. It was me that went off the deep end and lost it. You didn’t choose the path I took, I did. You didn’t lie to me, I lied to myself. You didn’t abandon me, I pushed you out of my life. You did nothing to hurt me, I lashed out at the most important person in my life and hurt myself in the process. Looking back on it now, the way I acted was inexcusable. You didn’t deserve the way I treated you and I truly apologize. This is my sin. This is my shame.
For all it’s worth, I really want to say how deeply sorry I am for the way things ended and for any pain I may have caused you such a long time ago. I know I don’t deserve it but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me so that I can find peace with myself.