My Last Apology to You
by Should I send this to her
Where to begin first of all I don't even know if you're going to get or want to even read this letter.. I wanted to hand this to you in person but I don’t even think you wanna see my face any more, this is the first time I've ever even written a letter like this. I wanted to right my wrongs and just get everything all out because I've been feeling such regret, guilt, and loss.
First of all before you start thinking "oh here we go, this is just another, I fu***d up I'm sorry I want you back letter" well no it's not. This is me finally letting everything and I mean everything out.
I don't expect a reply nor do I expect to get back together or at the very least become friends again.. First of all I'd like to say that I'm deeply and truly ashamed of myself for what I've done, all the arguing and yelling and more importantly the heartache and emotional damage I've caused you.
Not just for what happened recently but since we've been dating, since the beginning you've given me your all, you were always there in my times of stress and turmoil, you were there when I needed a good laugh or to be happy again. You let me come over for the holidays because you knew I had nowhere to go.
Even though you did so much for me and I did so little, your family still accepted me because they saw you were happy. I'm done saying "I'm sorry" and "I fu***d up" because you've already heard it many times from me, but yet I still managed to f**k things up, so "sorry" probably just means nothing to you now and I understand that.
Since the beginning I've had trouble accepting love from others. I've been lonely and never thought I'd find someone who really just loves me for me. I've had trouble since I was 19 and made a stupid decision of losing my virginity to someone I didn't even know or knew for more than a day. After I lost my virginity, I guess I was just trying to make up for times and chances I lost in high school.
I never felt truly happy with myself so the reason I had so many partners I guess is just because I wanted to feel wanted, if that makes any sense. The thing is after all that I did, sex never felt the same to me again.
I couldn't be passionate, I couldn't love, but then I met you. I feel like when it was your first time, it was my first time. I actually felt passionate again, throughout our relationship you did everything you could to make me happy.
I don't want you to feel like you're ugly or you messed up or anything. I'm the one who did wrong. You're a beautiful girl inside and out. I am so upset for how it finally ended between us.
I spent many nights in my car just because I couldn't go to my room because I'd see you everywhere, I tried anyway I could to see you or spend more time with you. I had long nights parked in parking lots just trying to get bad thoughts out of my head, I begged and pleaded, I cried every last tear I could, I even said I wanted to marry you (although this part sounds like a lie especially after what I did, but this was true I did want to).
I fought tooth and nail and did everything I could to finally fix it, then finally you give me another shot to prove to you that I changed and at first everything was going well and we even met up and had a great time. We were goofy again, cracking jokes, and laughing.
I was happy but then even after all that you ask me one question and I failed to give you the honest answer, I was afraid you would never wanna talk again and you would go be with another man if you heard I was talking to someone.
The next day you find out I was talking to someone not only that but that I was being inappropriate even after we had an amazing night. I never ended up meeting with her. I canceled it.
I ruined your trust, and now for every guy that comes along, you will be reluctant to let down your walls that you try so hard to build up, so no one can get inside, you will hold onto your heart, because I broke it into a million pieces and it is just starting to be repaired.
I am sorry for the decisions you made and the cutting you did to try to erase the memory of me and everything I did to hurt you. I am sorry for the heartache. You are right, I am a pathological liar and unmanly and I'm an ex bf that doesn't even deserve your time.
I wasn't strong enough. My insecurities and inability to effectively manage how I was feeling at times has caused me to lose my best friend, my goofy partner and my other half that makes me feel whole.
You will say that I've said these things before and still have proven you wrong time and time again but the difference now is that I'm gonna do the best I can wholeheartedly to fix myself not for you or anyone else but for me.
I am correcting and want to change the faults within myself that caused the break between us. I don't want to continue to be the creature that I am. I will continue to take advantage of the help that I have with therapy, friends and family.
I am not saying these things or writing this letter because of some manipulative ploy or plot to get you back, because I have accepted the breakup, and have come to terms with it. I want you to find someone to be happy with.
I truly want to see you smile again and succeed with your medical career and I understand why you chose to stop talking to me and why you feel the way you do towards me, not only that but because your sisters said they wouldn't let you see Evelyn and I know you love her very much and I am in no way worth you not seeing her again.
So I also understand that you may never even want to talk or see me again. I feel like I'm dead to you now. Yes it hurts but when I think about it and how I may one day see you with another man.. I can see myself being happy for you.
All I want is to see you laughing and being happy again and being treated the way I should have treated you, before I leave on this deployment. I just wanted to let you know everything. I've been feeling you're close to my heart and this is my sincere letter to you.
Taylor I wasn't there for you the way I should have been, the way you needed me to be there for you, for our relationship. You must have felt so alone and so sad and so hurt.
I feel alone and sad and hurt now because of my own thoughtless actions. These are just my feelings and not excuses or blame. I take full responsibility for what I have done, and do truly want what is best for the entirety of you.
I can't change what I did, and I can't fix what's broken. I'd like to say I'd go back and change it all. Truth is I wouldn't. I'd go back and make sure it never happened. Make sure you never experienced the destruction that I caused and the heartache.
I got into another relationship too fast I wasn't ready, even though I thought I was. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me for turning your world upside down.
I will no longer contact you or bother you any longer. I would like for us to hopefully one day become friends again at least and I'd like to see you succeed in your medical career.
I know you told me you don't want my money but I'm not giving you this because I feel like things will be fixed with it or money fixes everything. NO, I am giving you this money for all the times you would drive your car to come see me even in the harshest weather conditions only to be met with me being tired or me being an asshole when all you wanted was to be lovey.
I'm doing this because you also did everything you could for me and I wasted your time. You also bought me so many things to show your love I didn't put as much effort as you put in.
I know you really care for you car because of the sentimental value it has to you. I don’t want you throwing that away, it broke down because of me because of all the mileage and stress you put on it just to see me.
I want you to be happy and keep the things you love. Please accept this check you'll be able to get the car you want for school and keep the car you love. Like I said before I don't expect a response but I'd like to know you got it.
I wish you the best in your medical career and life and hope to maybe someday be apart of it again but for now I have a lot to work on with my self.
Love you always and forever
Sincerely and with deepest love
Lysander AKA (Chachitos)