My Most Sincere Apology Letter to You
by Johan Tran
Please accept my most sincere apologies. I'm so sorry for always being emotionally abusive to you and ruining every promise I've ever made to you. I only made promises to stop the drama and didn't really mean it. I am willing to give it a try and change things. I know my behavior is not acceptable, therefore I'm going to abandon every hurtful thing and hatred I have in me.
I didn't communicate with you every time we ended up fighting. I wanted a good atmosphere and laughter to keep on going without any downside, so I got mad at you every time there's something bad going on between us.
But I also didn't want to feel guilt and shame so I let out everything on you... I thought you talked too much because I'd rather you would have stayed quiet, to forget about what happened and to just move on without a talk.
My cowardliness of not wanting to be open and vulnerable resulted from my lack of confidence and inability to communicate. I should have been more open with you while I still had a chance.
More than anything, I want to go back in time to just talk and communicate with you instead of putting the blame on you every time things weren't going well.
If that were true, we would be talking about what I did that was wrong and hurtful and I would understand and apologize for what I started.
I want to take every responsibility for every ounce of my actions, including every time I apologized and promised something and then ended up doing the opposite.
I've been thinking about you more and more these days.
About how I surprised you with that restaurant on your birthday... when I suddenly come to you with that Husky cuddle toy... when I surprised you with a coffee when you jokingly told me to buy you a coffee... the laser dome and of course the time we were on the beach.
I miss holding your hand, hugging you, cuddling with you, laughing with you, grocery shopping with you and cooking with you.
I miss everything about you, every day.
The more the day passes, the more I am motivated to make all this madness stop because of you.
I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I know everything feels like nothing but a routine now, and even though there is nothing more to fix, I still want you to keep talking however you want to with me.
As long as I'm still hanging with you, I am going to do my absolute best to work on myself.
My motivation? Not because people told me to stop and not because you are quiet. It's because of you, because I want to be the better person you deserve.
I'm so sorry for everything I started.
I know it's too late to tell you that I'm going to end all of this infinite cycle.
You don't have to forgive me but please trust me when I say that I mean everything I've written in this letter.
I promise to maintain balance and keep the conflicts minimal.
I will listen to everything you say and take them very seriously.
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