To my wife...I don't know where to start nor do I know how to put that which I feel into typed words. It won't be perfect but it will come from my heart.
Today has been hard but nowhere near as hard for you. Thinking about you and what I have left behind, destroyed, betrayed and disappointed, I feel so ashamed. I feel so bitter and angry with myself.
You have needed me, more so in the past few weeks and I have been so blinded by my own selfishness, guilt, vindictiveness to myself and taking it out on you. All the words said in anger were never meant to be said... well maybe they were but to me.
I am so sorry for lies, cover ups... taking that which was not mine and taking what I had for granted.
I am so sorry I walked out on you and the children, lied about the business trip I was going on when in fact I was just walking with no real direction. I am so sorry for deceiving you with my employment, my earnings and using your father's business and name to gain a monetary value when I know he was trying to help.
I abused that which was given.
I am so sorry for walking out when you needed me most, finding out about your father's illness. Using your friends to gain money, making you think it was mine to pay bills and buy food.
I am so sorry for being a dark shadow, a failed husband, a failed father figure to your children who showed nothing but love. I am so sorry for my insecurities, placing blame on you for my failures when in fact it was my doing.
The times I was angry and came home frustrated and anxious, I am sorry. I am so sorry that you had to pay that
which I took, leaving you with debt. The promises, the 'yes i will be there', 'trust me' when I couldn't even trust myself.
You needed a husband and I gave you the Devil. You needed happiness and I brought along chaos. How selfish and unthoughtful I have been. I left my wife with 3 children and a father who is ill.
I have lied and manipulated my wife, broken promises. You needed me to listen, you needed me as a pillar of strength, a confidant, a man with a plan but I failed you in every way.
I can't give back the time spent hurting, worrying but if I knew back then what I know now, I would tell that failed man to wake up, be honest and respect your wife. I would tell him to give back everyday and love your wife more and more everyday, treat her like she is the only person in this world.
I would tell him not to make broken promises to a child who loved him. I would tell him what it is to be a husband and be grateful everyday for having someone love you the your wife does. I would tell him to be thankful everyday for having her in his life, for her and her family for taking you in and loving you as the own.
That is what I would do but time cannot be rewind.
I am a failed husband, a failed Father figure, A failed Son-in-law. I am so sorry for failing you. I am so sorry for walking out and leaving you with debt. I am so sorry for lying to you. I am so sorry for deceiving you.
I am so sorry for not trusting you enough to be open and honest about my past and who I was. You deserved so much more, so much better. I am so sorry.