To My Dearest Wei Qing... Words are meaningless if no one can see them, or if there is no truth can be found. This is my truth and my apology to the woman of my dreams.
I have said sorry for going behind your back, yet continued to lie, because of my own selfish need to feel desired and safe. That's no excuse. My behaviour has been abhorrent and no amount of kind words will make up for the hurt and sadness I have inflicted upon you.
For nearly six months you have continued to believe in me and helped me grow. Yet I kept lying despite claiming I was not. I had no good reason and there is positively no excuse for what I did.
I found a definition of full commitment that I should have honoured in the first place: "Full commitment once committed 100% with one other person, which includes no sexting, sexual flirtations or beyond when I'm with that person I hope/wish to have a possible permanent future with."
We both know exactly what I did. I kept engaging with my past. I was weak, and stupid, and selfish, and it is only now at the reality of losing the greatest person I've ever met, that I see how terribly ignorant and hurtful I have been.
I think until now I have lacked empathy and believed my own lies. Telling myself whatever I needed to hear to feel right. Well I am not right, I have never been more wrong in my life. It was not accidental; it was not any ones faults for keep reaching out to me. I was my fault. I not only lied, I continued to lie after we talked about moving on from the past.
I can't believe I allowed myself to treat you like second best when you have given me such love and patience. You have been kind and compassionate. You are smart and funny. And you must have felt so awful when you had that dream.
All I can do is apologise and say thank you for the opportunity to tell the truth and make things right. Your feelings are real, and you have every right to be angry and hate me for as long as you need to.
I will bear any punishment and weather any storm, to prove to you I will respect you and be there when you need me. I can't undo what I have done but I can spend the rest of my life showing you I mean business.
Every time I think about how you must be feeling, I get a scratch in the back of my throat and get angry at myself for being such a stupid jerk.
It doesn't matter if it was physical or not, cheating is cheating, and I cheated. You didn't deserve that, and you don't have to forgive me. I would not blame you for hating my guts till your last breath.
I feel such shame and remorse for the actions I have made behind your back. It was no different than if I cheated on you with another person. Maybe it's even worse than that because of how special our feelings are for each other.
I betrayed your trust, I caused you terrible pain and I have never felt such remorse for my own mistakes to the extent this situation has created. I want to apologise for committing such a despicable act of emotional abuse and offer to take full responsibility for all I have done.
I would happily humiliate myself in front of the world to prove my commitment to you and to us.
You are more worth it than any person and have known and I wish I
could beat myself up for not being aware enough to see the perfect wonder of your humanity. I know I hurt your badly.
I made you question my love for you and steal your trust. This is unforgivable and I will regret the suffering I caused for the rest of my life. Not a minute goes by that I don’t see how deplorable my own actions were.
When you are with someone you are with them, and I chose to make the same mistake again because of my own arrogance and ego. I am so sorry for the torture of my dishonesty and I will do anything can to make it right. If you need time, I will give it to you. If you need me to show you my history and chats, I will give you total access, no secrets.
If you want me to tell people I flirted with that I am committed to one person alone and they need to respect that boundary, I will call them in front of you and let you see everything I am doing. I don't want to hide, I don't want to run; I fu***d up and I am to blame for the rift that currently divides us.
I can't continue living my life as though what I do doesn't affect my loved ones and those around me. No matter what happens between us, I need to make a change.
I wanted to start by making a public apology because I need to be held accountable for my actions and show at I truly regret what I have done. I don't deserve another chance and I may lose you forever, but I want to promise you that I will do everything within my power to change this behaviour at a core level so it never affects my relationships again.
I swear by all I have learned and hold sacred that I will work on myself and never again use lies to cover up my wrongdoing or use to hurt other people; especially you; even if I lose you forever…I will change.
I know we are currently facing down the barrel of an emotional shotgun, and the future of our love hangs in uncertainty. I know the decision on what happens next is not up to me, and you should in no way feel obligated to forgive me or allow me another chance to hurt you.
What matters to me most is that you are happy and safe and living an extraordinary life. Trust is not easily rebuilt, it took a long time for my family to trust me again, and I accept it may never happen for me, but it doesn't matter what happens to me just so long as you can find happiness and love again, even if it's not me; although it breaks my heart at every level to know I caused a strong woman like you to walk out of my life.
The onus to rebuild that trust rests on my shoulders. I must work at creating an environment that you can feel safe and happy in. I have been impulsive and disregarding of trust.
I just want you happy and hopefully someday soon you will find peace of mind. I am on your side and I have no intention of letting you down again.
This episode has made me realise how important you are to me. I am determined to weed out the root cause of my dishonesty dysfunction, (just like my anger and sadness) and grow up, so that we can live a better live together, as the couple I know we can be.