My Truth, My Apology to the Woman of my Dreams
by Austin H.
To My Dearest Wei Qing... Words are meaningless if no one can see them, or if there is no truth can be found. This is my truth and my apology to the woman of my dreams.
I have said sorry for going behind your back, yet continued to lie, because of my own selfish need to feel desired and safe. That's no excuse. My behaviour has been abhorrent and no amount of kind words will make up for the hurt and sadness I have inflicted upon you.
For nearly six months you have continued to believe in me and helped me grow. Yet I kept lying despite claiming I was not. I had no good reason and there is positively no excuse for what I did.
I found a definition of full commitment that I should have honoured in the first place:
"Full commitment once committed 100% with one other person, which includes no sexting, sexual flirtations or beyond when I'm with that person I hope/wish to have a possible permanent future with."
We both know exactly what I did. I kept engaging with my past. I was weak, and stupid, and selfish, and it is only now at the reality of losing the greatest person I've ever met, that I see how terribly ignorant and hurtful I have been.
I think until now I have lacked empathy and believed my own lies. Telling myself whatever I needed to hear to feel right. Well I am not right, I have never been more wrong in my life. It was not accidental; it was not any ones faults for keep reaching out to me. I was my fault. I not only lied, I continued to lie after we talked about moving on from the past.
I can't believe I allowed myself to treat you like second best when you have given me such love and patience. You have been kind and compassionate. You are smart and funny. And you must have felt so awful when you had that dream.
All I can do is apologise and say thank you for the opportunity to tell the truth and make things right. Your feelings are real, and you have every right to be angry and hate me for as long as you need to.
I will bear any punishment and weather any storm, to prove to you I will respect you and be there when you need me. I can't undo what I have done but I can spend the rest of my life showing you I mean business.
Every time I think about how you must be feeling, I get a scratch in the back of my throat and get angry at myself for being such a stupid jerk.
It doesn't matter if it was physical or not, cheating is cheating, and I cheated. You didn't deserve that, and you don't have to forgive me. I would not blame you for hating my guts till your last breath.
I feel such shame and remorse for the actions I have made behind your back. It was no different than if I cheated on you with another person. Maybe it's even worse than that because of how special our feelings are for each other.
I betrayed your trust, I caused you terrible pain and I have never felt such remorse for my own mistakes to the extent this situation has created. I want to apologise for committing such a despicable act of emotional abuse and offer to take full responsibility for all I have done.
I would happily humiliate myself in front of the world to prove my commitment to you and to us.
You are more worth it than any person and have known and I wish I could beat myself up for not being aware enough to see the perfect wonder of your humanity. I know I hurt your badly.
I made you question my love for you and steal your trust. This is unforgivable and I will regret the suffering I caused for the rest of my life. Not a minute goes by that I don’t see how deplorable my own actions were.
When you are with someone you are with them, and I chose to make the same mistake again because of my own arrogance and ego. I am so sorry for the torture of my dishonesty and I will do anything can to make it right. If you need time, I will give it to you. If you need me to show you my history and chats, I will give you total access, no secrets.
If you want me to tell people I flirted with that I am committed to one person alone and they need to respect that boundary, I will call them in front of you and let you see everything I am doing. I don't want to hide, I don't want to run; I fu***d up and I am to blame for the rift that currently divides us.
I can't continue living my life as though what I do doesn't affect my loved ones and those around me. No matter what happens between us, I need to make a change.
I wanted to start by making a public apology because I need to be held accountable for my actions and show at I truly regret what I have done. I don't deserve another chance and I may lose you forever, but I want to promise you that I will do everything within my power to change this behaviour at a core level so it never affects my relationships again.
I swear by all I have learned and hold sacred that I will work on myself and never again use lies to cover up my wrongdoing or use to hurt other people; especially you; even if I lose you forever…I will change.
I know we are currently facing down the barrel of an emotional shotgun, and the future of our love hangs in uncertainty. I know the decision on what happens next is not up to me, and you should in no way feel obligated to forgive me or allow me another chance to hurt you.
What matters to me most is that you are happy and safe and living an extraordinary life. Trust is not easily rebuilt, it took a long time for my family to trust me again, and I accept it may never happen for me, but it doesn't matter what happens to me just so long as you can find happiness and love again, even if it's not me; although it breaks my heart at every level to know I caused a strong woman like you to walk out of my life.
The onus to rebuild that trust rests on my shoulders. I must work at creating an environment that you can feel safe and happy in. I have been impulsive and disregarding of trust.
I just want you happy and hopefully someday soon you will find peace of mind. I am on your side and I have no intention of letting you down again.
This episode has made me realise how important you are to me. I am determined to weed out the root cause of my dishonesty dysfunction, (just like my anger and sadness) and grow up, so that we can live a better live together, as the couple I know we can be.
Forever yours, always, in all ways. Your Penguin
对我最亲爱的魏青， 如果没有人能看到他们，或者没有真相可以找到，话语是无意义的。这是我的真理，我对我梦中的女人道歉。 对于背后背后，我已经说不好意思了，但是由于我自己的自私需要感觉到需要和安全，所以继续说谎。这不是借口。我的行为是可恶的，没有多少善意的话会弥补我对你的伤害和悲伤。近六个月来，你一直相信我，帮助我成长。然而我仍然说谎，尽管声称我没有。我没有什么好的理由，也没有任何借口为我所做的。我发现了一个充分承诺的定义，我应该首先得到尊重： “完全承诺一次与另一人承诺100％，包括没有性别，性爱调情或超越，当我与那个人，我希望/希望有一个可能永久的未来。” 我们都知道我做了什么。我一直在和我过去一样。我是虚弱的，愚蠢的，自私的，现在只有失去了我见过的最伟大的人的现实，我才看到我曾经非常无知和无知。我觉得到现在为止，我没有同情心，相信自己的谎言。告诉自己我需要听到的感觉是正确的。那我是不对的，我从来没有在我的生活中错了。这不是偶然的继续向我伸出援手是没有任何错误的。我是我的错我不仅说谎，而且我们谈论过去，继续说谎。 当我给予我这样的爱和耐心时，我不敢相信我让自己对待你是第二好的。你一直善良和慈悲。你聪明有趣当你有这个梦想的时候，你一定觉得很可怕。我所能做的只是道歉，并表示感谢你有机会说出真相，使事情正确。你的感觉是真实的，只要你需要，你就有生气的权利，恨我。我会受到任何惩罚，天气暴风雨，向你证明，当你需要我时，我会尊重你，并在那里。我无法撤消我所做的一切，但我可以花费余下的时间来告诉你我的意思是商业。每次我想起你一定要感觉到，我的喉咙里有一个伤痕，生气，因为吸了一个愚蠢的混蛋。 无论身体是否身体无关，作弊是欺骗，我被骗了。你不值得，你不必原谅我。我不会怪你恨我的胆量直到你最后一口气。我觉得这样的耻辱和悔悟的背后的行动。没有什么不同，如果我与另一个人欺骗你。也许比这更糟糕，因为我们的感觉是彼此特别的。我背叛了你的信任，我给你带来了可怕的痛苦，在这种情况造成的情况下，我从来没有为自己的错误感到悔悟。我想对这种卑劣的情绪虐待行为表示歉意，并要为我所做的一切负全责。我会高兴地羞辱自己在世界各地，以证明我对你和我们的承诺。你比任何人都更有价值，而且我知道，我希望自己不会意识到自己不会看到你人性的完美奇迹。 我知道我很伤害你。我让你质疑我对你的爱，并窃取你的信任。这是不可原谅的，我会后悔在我余生中所造成的痛苦。不一会儿，我看不到我自己的行为是多么可悲。当你和他人在一起的时候，我选择了同样的错误，因为我自己的傲慢和自我。我对我的不诚实的酷刑感到非常抱歉，我会做任何事情来做正确的事情。如果你需要时间，我会给你的。如果你需要我来告诉我我的历史和聊天，我会给你全面的访问，没有秘密。如果你想让我告诉跟我说话的人，我一个人承诺一个人，他们需要尊重这个边界，我会把它们称为你面前，让你看到我在做的一切。我不想隐藏，我不想跑;我搞砸了，我为了分裂我们的裂痕而责怪我。 我不能继续生活我的生活，好像我做的不影响我的亲人和我周围的人。无论我们之间发生什么，我都需要改变。我想开始公开道歉，因为我需要对我的行为和表现负责，我真的很遗憾我所做的。我不值得拥有另一个机会，我可能会永远失去你，但是我想答应你，我将尽力在核心层面改变这种行为，从而不会再影响我的关系。我发誓所有我学到和神圣，我会为自己而努力，再也不要用谎言掩盖我的不法行为或用来伤害别人;尤其是你;即使我永远失去你，我会改变。 我知道我们目前正在面对一阵情绪霰弹枪，