Nobody Could Ever Hate Me More Than Myself
Four and a half years ago you sent me a message asking if I wanted to come over and hang out. You said you weren't sure if we were ever going to see each other after that, you had no plans for it. I agreed. Sure, why not? Needless to say sitting here July 31st 2021, lost, lonely, and hating myself because I didn't realize a couple of months before that night in January that I had met the most amazing person I think I had ever met in the world.
I remember sitting in my car one night with you. You were so upset. I sat there and listened and listened. You broke down and you opened up to me and that's when I knew there was something special about you. I didn't ever think that I would feel this strongly about any human being.
Over time we opened up and shared about our past, our childhoods, our upbringing.
I can honestly say that you did something that nobody else could have ever done and that is that you got me to open up, break down my walls.
You asked me the question why I've been single so long? The answer is because I was scared to let anybody get close, mainly because I don't want to be hurt but more importantly because I don't want to hurt anybody else. he also told me some secrets.
I remember you said you were going to leave your keys in your car. I could leave if I wanted to but I didn't, all I did was ask that you let me know when the keys are in the car. My actions, my words didn't back up what I felt.
I'm ashamed, repulsed, disgusted, at words I've spoken to you. Do I believe you're any of those things? No.
Sometimes I just feel hurt and my first horrible reaction is to get a person back. Yeah, he called me an immature kid and maybe I am. Maybe I'm trying to raise myself, growing up I never doubted myself about learning to be an adult.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why when I feel upset I can't just shut my mouth and stop the same old horrible things. I don't know why I've been waking up and the first thing I do is to look at my phone hoping I get a message from you.
That first night you prayed to the Creator for your safety and your well-being. I don't know why the last thing I do at night is think that you're going to be okay.
I don't know why why you even wanted to be near me, let alone be with me. I see myself in the mirror and I just don't get why you put so much effort into somebody that's not worth your effort.
All I know is that I hate my life without you. I hate not talking to you. I hate not seeing you. Ain't nothing else to tell you other than I love you.
Over the last year and a half, if it wasn't for you I don't know if I'd be here. It's been a struggle and scary but I knew no matter what I wasn't alone.
The last time we had a conversation outside of your house, he asked me to sit on a chair and talk to you. I couldn't. He asked me why I had no emotion. I do but if I would have sat on that chair and you would have seen me at my weakest point when you looked into my eyes.
Who knows what kind of emotions and support I would have received but I wanted to be strong and try to keep myself together instead of balling like a little baby in front of you.
To answer the question of whether I ever had any feelings for you. Yeah there were a lot. I wish I could say that they were all happy because I don't know how many times the thought of proposing ran to my head and how I would do it. But my reality is that I'm too scared of rejection.
Remember the day you told me about what happened at the hospital in Hamilton? It brought thoughts and feelings I didn't know what to do with. I didn't know what to say, I just knew it wasn't fair.
I would have done anything to switch positions with you. Even today, tomorrow, next week, next year, I would change positions with you in a heartbeat.
I'd be lying if I didn't say that that news definitely played a part in my reaction to things but I'm not making excuses.
I don't know if you'll ever read this, if you'll ever see this, but Tina you're the strongest most beautiful beautiful human I know. And whether you read this and we end up talking, or whether it's on the other side that we see each other again, I know this doesn't mean anything to you, but I want you to know I'm sorry for everything I put you through and everything I've done.
Please know how sorry I am even though you can't see how sorry I am. You have every reason to hate me.
So maybe my life makes sense right now. Everything that happened in my childhood, growing up with my parents, my adoptive parents, it makes sense. You didn't deserve to be punished by meeting somebody like me that said the things I said—the stupid non-truthful s***.
Just know as much as you should and I hope you don't hate me because nobody will ever hate me as much as I hate myself and nobody will ever love you as much as I love you.
I feel like I need time when I get my license back next month to rent a car and drive until it runs out of gas. I'll just leave the keys in the car.
I love you so much I miss you so much and until we meet again, God bless.